#like the term 'jackass' was modeled after him

[buttfrovski]

south park fan who gets incredibly pissed off by trey parker's voice sometimes

[k7l4d4]

K Reviews and Rants: Miraculous Ladybug Season 5! Episode 5

Hello all, I'm back again with another review! Was honestly unsure if I would get this one posted, given I had a rather long run today in regards to work.

This episode... frustrated me. It essentially serves as a roadmap of the writer's intention to isolate Adrien. In how it presented Adrien as being gaslit by Gabe into thinking his dad FINALLY gives a genuine shit about him and pushing him into a yes/no situation where he's forced to pick between staying a Model or letting Gabe use his image for the Alliance Rings, as well as how it just had Nino act like an utter idiot, running his mouth, putting on a very dumb plan to try and spy on Monarch's actions... the setup feels designed to leave Adrien with no one he can trust with his true feelings and concerns but Marinette/Ladybug, and given how tightlipped she is about herself, that's a recipe for disaster in terms of unbalanced relationships.

Anyway, on to the review! As always, warnings for profanity.

Episode 5: Illusion 

Okay, we get some news interviews... and the thing that's standing out the most to me is XY being a completely ditzy moron, which makes the idea that he ever could've been able to set up holograms to do performances in his place during Season 1... SUSPECT, to put it lightly. Really Astruc, if you can't even do something like THAT consistent, you aren't gonna be able to hold together a message about "wealthy elites" or whatever nonsense is running through your head. 

And oh boy, having Chloe be the local Strawman again, what a surprise. Like... Dude, Tommy, turning someone you are engineering to be hated by the audience into acting as the mouthpiece for every criticism of the show and characters you dislike, and in the most stupidly reductive takes ON those criticisms around makes you look like a petty jackass! 

Okay, why the hell are the show host dude, Bob Roth, and the fucking BANANA presented as a panel of experts... I just do not have anything to say about that beyond "what the fuck?" Why are they using three randos as "experts" about the threat presented by a psychotic terrorist, and how to stop said terrorist, with one of said "experts" being a known corrupt executive!? 

Honestly, what makes this stupid scene even worse is that literally NOTHING of substance is actually discussed, despite apparently being an important talk show segment about the safety of Paris. It trivializes the overall plot of the season, and the series as a whole by giving the implication that people are so unconcerned about it that a goofy spoof segment featuring a wacky tv host, a sleazy music producer, and a guy in a banana suit about how "serious" it is makes for prime entertainment. 

And honestly? They could've made that set-up WORK by having Gabriel SEE the show and become furious that people aren't taking him seriously, and then plans out something audacious. But THAT would require Thomas to be willing to acknowledge that this scene just makes his "sympathetic villain" look like a complete joke. 

Okay, we get a moment of Adrien being completely pissed off over the Alliance Rings and how they involve his father objectifying his image and voice even WORSE Than before... and decides to use his newly gained confidence to confront him over it. Good for him! Now how does this get ruined? 

And there it is. "Call me dad." ...Thomas, if you were trying to portray Gabriel as sincerely trying to be a better father to Adrien... I honestly think this was the stupidest way you could've done it. Oh, he's only JUST NOW deciding to give a shit about his kid!? SERIOUSLY!? Right after setting things up so that he profits off of his son's image and voice. Combined between just how jarring it is that Gabriel is acting like this, as well as him claiming to take Adrien to school himself... I'm sorry, but this feels like he's gaslighting Adrien to me. 

Oh yes, "disappeared." Not DEAD. Because oh no, we can't ever mention DEATH on a kid's show, no no no, we have to wiggle around the topic, no matter how blatantly we otherwise telegraph it. Better to imply that at best Emilie became a deadbeat parent and ran off, or worse that she got kidnapped or something, because CLEARLY THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT WAY TO FRAME THIS SITUATION!!! Oh, and Gabriel's happy go-lucky "family man" mask immediately starts slipping with him nearly chucking the frying pan he's cooking in across the room. Wow, what a great dad, CLEARLY this is a man without anger and control issues! 

And also, when and how have Adrien and his dad EVER been closer?? Like, apparently Adrien's mom has only "disappeared" since LAST YEAR, yet Adrien is completely weirded out by the idea of Gabriel being a "dad" instead of the cold, demanding father who micromanages his life. Again, THIS LOOKS LIKE HE IS GASLIGHTING HIS SON THOMAS!!! 

And now we get to the crux of the matter... exploitation. Thomas, Gabriel basically profiteering off of his son's image (which could be used against him in some VERY creepy ways, I might add!!), whether it be through having him do photo shoots and model clothing/jewelry, or by having him be the controllable face of the AI rings scattered across the city, IS EXPLOITATION. Him having "more time to spend with his son" DOES NOT MAKE IT BETTER since he seems damn convinced to take advantage of his son and ignore his actual wants and feelings. Heck, again, him justifying the Alliance Rings using his son's image and voice on the basis of "spending more time together" just comes off as either emotional manipulation or gaslighting, since he's pushing Adrien into the framework of accepting one uncomfortable and exploitative situation or the other, while denying him the right to not be involved in EITHER ONE. Him trying to put on the "happy family man" role does not work, he just feels like a creep about it, and the fact that he's making Adrien doubt standing up to him because he's acting "nicer" gives the implication that he's only doing this so he can better manipulate Adrien into doing what HE wants Adrien to do, not what Adrien actually cares about. GAAAAHHHH!!!! 

Okay, we get a scene of Alya and Marinette theorizing about how Hawkmoth is empowering his Akumas with Miraculous powers... and yeah, I can see where their theories are coming from, given their lack of information. Oh hey, Nino showed up! ...This is gonna be the start of the trainwreck, isn't it? 

Alright, so Nino basically blows off his future to be, as he puts it, a "superhero," and seems to meaningfully think he'll be able to help against Monarch. Like... I don't MIND the passion and idealism behind this, but I have the sinking feeling this is gonna go to shit really fast. Okay, just got started up again... and seriously Nino, "Comrade Mayo, Comrade Ketchup?" Thomas, are you even TRYING to make Nino serious!? This... this is little kid shit!! And I don't mean the viewers, I mean this is demeaning!! It's just like that stupid meeting before, it's talking down to the audience by assuming they "won't get it" and using the most childish interpretation of what SHOULD BE a serious talking point for the series!! 

I LITERALLY JUST STARTED THIS BACK UP, HOW DO YOU FUCK UP THAT MUCH IN JUST HALF A MINUTE!? 

Yeah, yeah, Marinette should absolutely be the one to question Adrien about the Alliance Rings, not Nino or anyone else who knows him. Oh, and of COURSE they fucking dismiss the fact that Marinette is FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING THE FACT THAT SHE HAS NO SELF CONTROL AROUND ADRIEN AS A BAD THING BECAUSE IT GETS IN THE WAY OF "TRUE LOVE" BECAUSE WHY THE HELL NOT!? Ughh... this is getting "better and better." 

Nino, dude, using secret "codenames" in a public setting, particularly dumb ones named after condiments, makes you look like a fucking moron. Does- Does Thomas genuinely believe that this makes Nino look clever or something...? 

Did. Did that literally JUST happen. Did Nino. SERIOUSLY ADMIT. To being a Superhero and then UNMASK HIS GIRLFRIEND in front of two people who he has no evidence have ever had anything to DO with the Miraculouses!? WHAT THE RAGING FUCKWAFFLE ASTRUC!? No. NO ON EVERY LEVEL!! This is the kind of nonsense that makes it very FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT YOU ARE A HACK!!! No, I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT IF THE SHOW IS FRAMING HIS EXPOSING THIS IS A BAD THING, IT IS STILL FUCKING STUPID BECAUSE I DUNNO, WHAT IF LADYBUG GETS THE MIRACULOUSES BACK AND YOU JUST PROVED YOU CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO KEEP YOUR IDENTITY SECRET ANYMORE GENIUS!? Astruc, YOU ARE NOT CLEVER!!! THIS IS THE MOST BONEHEADED BIT OF NONSENSE YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLE HAVE NINO DONE AND MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE THE LAST PERSON WHO SHOULD BE RUNNING A RESISTANCE MOVEMENT!! 

But then again, given you are repeatedly portraying him as an incompetent and goofy idiot who is taking things too seriously in the worst possible way, I am wondering if this might be FUCKING DELIBERATE!!! I cannot even BEGIN to fathom why you think making Nino the local DITZ is important, and I don't care to, because this is fucking GARBAGE!!! 

FUCK THIS EPISODE WITH A RUSTY SPOON, for it has tarnished the very IDEA of this episode being able to pull off dramatic and serious storylines with this one episode alone. It's one thing to portray a dramatic or serious storyline and bungle it by making it push too far or with improper set-up, but this? This episode so far has TRIVIALIZED the entire series in the worst way imaginable. It's not the worst episode in terms of writing, but the anger I'm feeling puts it pretty high up there. 

"The only ones who need to keep their secret identities are Ladybug and Chat Noir, not us!" Nino... (Breathes deep) BOY!! Wow, it sure is great that there ISN'T a magical terrorist going around, actively looking for anyone and everyone he can use as leverage to fulfill his personal ambitions and who HAS made it a point of targeting civilians he so much as SUSPECTS of being connected to the Superheroes opposing him, even if it's just to use as FUCKING BAIT!! Because that would make this blase attitude and dismissal of personal safety and secrets that aren't his to share UTTERLY FUCKING MORONIC!!! Astruc... get fucked with a rusty spoon. You have shamed the concept of Superheroes. I am very neutral on Nino, and even I CAN FUCKING TELL THIS IS OUT OF CHARACTER FOR HIM ON EVERY FUCKING LEVEL!!! 

You know, something just occurred to me... Chloe had Adrien's Gabriel-decided diet delivered all the way to the Cafeteria and hand-delivered it to him. Granted, it wasn't her hands but still, that is a LOT of effort to go for... well, ANYONE. While the intended takeaway by Astruc is that she "doesn't GET Adrien and is forcing him to be someone he's not!!" she's really not forcing him at all, even when she obviously disapproves, and would've had fuck all ways of knowing that Adrien was unhappy with how deeply Gabriel dictated his life. To her, this was an act of kindness on a whim for her only friend besides Sabrina. Oh, and OF FUCKING COURSE THEY IGNORE THAT CHLOE CUT ADRIEN OUT OF HER LIFE BACK IN SEASON FOUR BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT!? 

Okay, back on, and we get a moronic scene of Nino justifying CONTINUING to talk about his secret that isn't technically his right to share with Adrien... but it also highlights the MANY blatant double-standards going on in this fucking fiasco of a series!! For god-fucking SAKES, what honestly makes this all stupider is that Nino is blabbing about telling a secret that he blabbed to Adrien on the basis of them being "best friends," while Adrien hasn't shared that he is Chat Noir, yet Marinette told Alya HER secret, and both say that she hasn't shared secrets between them... WHERE DO I EVEN FUCKING BEGIN WITH THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF A FIASCO!? 

For starters, not only is this is a massively hypocritical double-standard presented in showing that it's okay for Marinette to share HER secret identity with Alya, while punishing Nino for having told Adrien HIS secret identity, it also makes Marinette look WORSE by showing that, for all his numerous faults and inconsistencies as a hero, Adrien has at least fucking held to THAT RULE TO AN IRONCLAD DEGREE!! Oh no, let's not get into the potential implications of what this would mean for his friendship with Nino if he ever found out later, oh no, let's move on and NOT focus on that, please and fucking thank you!! 

The second aspect to this nonsense is how Nino STILL DOES NOT FUCKING SEE THE PROBLEM WITH BLABBING A DANGEROUS SECRET IN A PUBLIC CAFETERIA!! Even IGNORING this monumentally stupid double-standard (I GET why Marinette told Alya, but it's still a humongous double-standard in that, despite having confided in a trusted confidant herself, Marinette never gave the fucking okay to Chat Noir, since HE DESERVES TO HAVE A CONFIDANT AS WELL!!), it feels like this stupid scene is trying to JUSTIFY this double-standard by making Nino an incompetent idiot who cannot for the life of him keep a fucking secret!! 

And now Lila is showing up, how will this ruin things further...? 

And Marinette is immediately on the offensive. As much as people still falling for Lila's lies is obnoxiously stupid, moments like THIS CRAP make it pretty damn easy to see where the "jealousy" claims come from. It is STILL STUPID, but when you have her go and say "all the seats are taken!!" particularly when the boy everyone claims you are jealous over is there, IT MAKES HER LOOK SUPER JEALOUS!!! Gggaaahhh... Astruc, why are you such a fucking idiot... 

And we get Nino trying to claim that they are in a secret meeting. In the middle of the lunchroom. Where ANYONE CAN OVERHEAR HIM SINCE HE WASN'T BOTHERING TO KEEP HIS VOICE DOWN BEFORE HAND. Yeah, this is bullshit SQUARED. 

Okay just... just... the metaphor just BARELY works, but it really kills the tension. Adding dramatic music does not make a metaphor about adding and removing honey from yogurt NOT sound goofy and stupid. And when I say "barely," I mean "not at all" because honey would be incorporated into yogurt, meaning you can't remove it, so the simile/metaphor falls apart right away. And then... we get Nino's "plan." I feel that I will be pissed off from this! Oh, and Lila apparently took a photo and posted it on all of her social media accounts, THAT will be fun! 

Nino claims to make an Akumatization happen... and record it... dude. ALL THE FUCK NO!!! If the point of this nonsense is to make Nino look stupid and untrustworthy, YOU HAVE FUCKING SUCCEEDED ASTRUC!! The "magic ladybugs fix things anyway, so no consequences matter" is the logic that is literally used by Scarlet Lady, one of the nastiest Salt-fic takes on Chloe around!! You are actively making Nino use the logic of a sociopath, especially since Nino seemingly isn't taking into account the possibility of "WHAT IF LADYBUG AND CHAT NOIR LOSE!?" There is faith, and then there is blockheaded NONSENSE!! 

Oh, and NO, the Akumatized victims remember FULL AND WELL what caused them to get Akumatized, it's what they were DOING while Akumatized that they don't remember, dumbass. Astruc, how the FUCK did you think this nonsense was a good idea!? 

And then we get Nino dismissing all the criticism on the basis of "eh, I've got you guys, it'll be fine!!" Like... again, this is the difference between having faith in someone and being SUICIDALLY OVERCONFIDENT!! And now a hoard of Adrien fans are storming the place because of Lila's posted photo, of course. Also, it looks like they put in Wayhem but with recolored hair in the front of the crowd. For a guy who is meant to be a fan of Adrien's, he's not so good at respecting Adrien's desire for privacy and space. 

And apparently Nino's reasoning for targeting a parent for tormenting is on the basis of "almost all of them have been Akumatized at some point" while ignoring WHAT IT WAS THAT CAUSED THEM TO BE AKUMATIZED!! Oh, and don't get me started on him glossing over how that label ALSO APPLIES TO ALL OF HIS TEACHERS!! Just... fucking FUCK this shithole of an episode!! 

Oh, started back up again. Nino actually makes a good point about whether or not Gabriel has really changed and if this is just a publicity stunt for the Alliance Ring... but the fact that he is saying this TO GABRIEL'S EMOTIONALLY ABUSED SON makes him look like a fucking idiot and utterly insensitive. And while it's not a publicity stunt, I'd say he's right that Gabriel hasn't changed and this is just performative on Gabriel's part to make himself feel better about being a supervillain. 

Okay, it looks like Nino is apparently acknowledging that he went too far and shouldn't have said something like that to Adrien. But considering how stupid the rest of this episode has made him, it's barely anything. 

Marinette... No. NO!! You should damn well fucking KNOW that trying to deliberately CAUSE an Akumatization is a fucking disaster waiting to happen!! There is no ethically rationalizing this choice, and what is the fucking point of having revealed your secret to Alya if you aren't going to back her up when she's speaking in your alter ego's name on something you SHOULD KNOW IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!? 

Alya, you are right on the money, WHY IN THE WORLD ARE THEY FUCKING GOING ALONG WITH THIS!? Even if it's GABRIEL, you are all literally talking about torturing another human being "for the greater good." Do you have ANY CLUE what kind of BS that is!? There, there is no way to condone this level of insanity!! You cannot make someone look sympathetic when they do shit like this!! 

Oh, and Lila apparently overheard everything and is gonna go rat them out to Gabriel, HOW THE HELL DID THEY NOT HEAR HER FOOTSTEPS!? Them missing her in the chaos of sneaking out of the mob SHE CAUSED I can get, but this!? Nope, not at all, particularly when the only effort she's putting into hiding is standing off to the distance. 

Okay, we get a scene of the Parent-Teacher Conferences and WOW, they did not even TRY to fill the seats in the slightest. Oh, we get Max's mom, Sabine, Anarka, Mrs. Rossi, Roger, Otis, Andre, Mylene's Dad, and Gabriel... but I notice a distinct lack of representation for Ivan, Nathaniel, Kim, Rose, or Nino. Heck, even if they were just nameless background characters, they could've given us SOMETHING TO GO OFF OF!! 

Moving on... 

Okay, they are talking about a file regarding helping the kids figure out what they would like their futures to be, and apparently the school already has them... so what the fuck is with a certain future plot point regarding THIS EXACT SITUATION!? 

...Wow. They are seriously not even TRYING to make it look like they aren't deliberately trying to get Gabriel dirty. Seriously, at least with Marinette, you at least have something resembling an EXCUSE for this garbage, since she has a reputation for being a klutz and forgetting things (both in terms of leaving them behind and having them with her) so her bringing along food from the cafeteria and then getting it all over someone due to being clumsy, at least THAT MAKES SOMETHING RESEMBLING SENSE!! But Adrien literally just turned to his dad, holding a plate of food, and the deliberately PITCHED HIMSELF FORWARD!!! For the love of SHIT, after putting us through this nonsensical hodgepodge of a "plot," THIS IS THE BEST THING YOU COULD COME UP WITH TO EXPLAIN HOW THEY GET GABRIEL AKUMATIZED!? THIS!?!? FUCK THIS NOISE WITH A RUSTY SPOON!!! 

And Alya isn't even PRETENDING to have an excuse or reason for this. Not even leaving something behind. She's also not playing along.... BUT SHE IS STILL GOING ALONG WITH THIS!? And Nino, there's such a thing as "cutting your losses and picking someone else." Insistently attempting to get the result you want on a specific target is a losing battle, and makes you look LIKE A FUCKING MORON!! 

And that was a waste of a perfectly good chocolate cake too! 

Who saw "Adrien gets pulled out of school due to making Gabriel mad" coming? Honestly? ME!! AS SHOULD ANYONE WITH A BRAIN BECAUSE NEWS FLASH NINO, PEOPLE GET MAD OVER THINGS EVERY SINGLE DAY!! JUST TRYING TO FORCE SOMEONE YOU KNOW AND DISLIKE TO GET UPSET TO BE AKUMATIZED IS NOT GOING TO WORK, AND GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY TO UPSET SOMEONE WITH POWER AND AUTHORITY HAS FUCKING CONSEQUENCES FOR DOING SO!!! Dear GOD, if this isn't a plot by Thomas to make Nino look like an idiot, a bad friend, and someone Adrien cannot trust with his secret, then he is an even BIGGER FUCKING HACK THAN I ALREADY THOUGHT!!! 

Marinette, for once, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT ADRIEN!! You literally have NOTHING TO DO WITH GABRIEL TAKING HIM OUT OF SCHOOL BESIDES YOUR WILLINGNESS TO GO ALONG WITH THIS NONSENSICAL PLAN!!! I have never in my life scene a writer turn their own main character INTO A FUCKING STRAWMAN!!! Because honestly? When it comes to the Love Square at this stage, THAT IS WHAT SHE IS!! She offers up hollow arguments as to why she "can't" be with Adrien that she doesn't actually follow up on, and it honestly just comes off as her whining about how unfair her life is rather than just, I don't know, GET THERAPY!? Because that's what she needs, a therapist who can get it through her skull that the problem isn't that she's "a curse," or "needs to stop loving him," she needs to learn how to ACT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING AROUND HIM , but because she never puts up a real argument as to why her crush is a bad thing, she just keeps getting pushed back in his direction by Alya with NONE of her actual underlying problems being addressed!!! 

Yup. Gabe is pissed off. He couldn't make it a single fucking day with keeping up the "happy dad mask" and it is as obnoxious as possible. 

And WOW, the "Illusion Gabriel" is honestly pretty fucking stupid, honestly. Like, the dude is supposed to be pissed off at having had a bad day where his efforts to try and bond with his son were squandered, but he has the illusion version... moping about how nobody is accepting his efforts to change!? Astruc, is this meant to be a snide reference to people who expected Chloe to change, or do you HONESTLY think anyone views the situation like this!? Like, if it were just Gabriel's own delusions of being a moral person, that would be one thing, but people are apparently buying it, and it is STUPID. 

"Don't worry, we got the video!" A video that shows literally nothing and "coincidentally" glitched out the exact moment he "got the Miraculous power." Ugh... What's really stupid is that the Illusion Collector is AN ILLUSION, so... like, how did he even FIND Marinette and the others so quickly? He should have no clue they are even THERE yet!! And I just KNOW this is gonna get worse... 

And Nino just blurted out his "secret codename" for the world to hear, AGAIN, this time in front of what he thinks is an Akuma... does he SERIOUSLY THINK that this wouldn't tip Monarch off to the fact that ordinary citizens are plotting against him, and take steps to counter it!? 

And now Monarch gives himself a bunch of powers directly to ambush the heroes while they are distracted by the illusion. To be honest? It's a good plan. Even if it blows open the fact that they are fighting an illusion (which is doubtful, unless he specifically uses Voyage in front of them AS Monarch), it's at least a decently executed strategy to maximize his odds of snagging their Miraculouses. 

Okay, so Chat got Venomed... Marinette, you KNOW WHAT BEING HIT BY VENOM LOOKS LIKE, HOW ARE YOU NOT IMMEDIATELY ON GUARD!? And asking him what he's "afraid of," Marinette, people DO NOT FREEZE IN PLACE HOLDING A POSE WHEN THEY ARE SCARED, RIGHT DOWN TO THE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!!! GAAAHHHH!!! 

If there is ANYTHING that fucking infuriates me more than inconsistent storytelling, it's STUPIDITY driving the storytelling. Seriously, one MASSIVE recurring point with the Akumas is that they aren't aware of their actions or fully in control of themselves, so Gabe making his Illusion-clone say "it's too late to save me! I've tried to change-" and that's as far as I got before pausing it to calm down MY SHEER RAGE at this nonsense... yeah, no. If anything, THIS MAKES GABE LOOK LESS SYMPATHETIC YOU FUCKING HACKS!!! Because so far, the ONLY Akumas that have been shown to be genuinely in control of their actions are those who were Akumatized WILLINGLY!! You cannot come back from that!! Whatever shit happened in his normal life DOES NOT JUSTIFY TEAMING UP WITH A LITERAL FUCKING TERRORIST!!! 

Seriously, this is FUCKING STUPID!! Trying to make Gabriel look sympathetic NOW, right when he is "mid-Akumatization," even if we DIDN'T know that it was all bullshit... I'm honestly baffled how Ladybug didn't pick up that something was wrong, since the ONLY Akuma that has ever expressed any ability to deviate from their Akuma-derived obsession was Evillustrator... and that was only TEMPORARY before it came back worse then before. Like, does Thomas REALLY think that making it that Akumas are always aware of what they are doing and do it knowingly makes for GOOD FUCKING WRITING!? 

HOW THE FUCK DID MARINETTE NOT NOTICE THAT GABRIEL WASN'T SOAKING WET DESPITE HAVING FALLEN INTO THE WATERS OF THE SEWER!? And it was AFTER he had "rejected the Akuma," so if the authors try and spin some BS I am going to call them out on it!! 

One more one last thing. Apparently Nino and Alya think that a glitch in the video is a "magic lightning bolt" that sends and retrieves the Miraculous... and it ends with ALYA apologizing and going along with Nino's nonsense. No having Nino learn a lesson about being going too far even for a good cause (which would at least have been SOMETHING to make this less cringe-inducing), oh no, we have it that ALYA, the only one in this "Resistance" who has been talking sense this episode, realize that "Nino was right all along!" Because CLEARLY getting a crappy video was more important than having potentially traumatized someone!! NOW I'm moving on. 

Not gonna mention this latest bit of stupidity coming forward involving Nino basically admit to this nonsense... nope, not gonna do it. Not gonna give into the anger.

[maxwell-grant]

Thoughts on Mortal Kombat's favorite Jackass, Johnny Cage?

A lot of times when people bring up the more comedic characters in franchises as "the actual/objective best character", it's usually done so in ironic or semi-ironic jest, like that "Dan Hibiki is the Streetest Fighter" gag, but I'm not being ironic in the slightest when I say that Johnny Cage is genuinely a serious contender for The Best Mortal Kombat Character, and it frankly wouldn't even be close if his design and moveset had that "it" factor that other characters like Goro and Raiden and the ninjas had.

The worst thing you can say about Johnny Cage is that his fatalities and moveset used to be lame for most of MK's history and that the games didn't consistently tap into his appeal until MK9. But by the time he was tattooing his name on his chest, fulfilling the same role in the MK9 Story Mode that he did for the movie, breaking his glasses and getting identical replacements for every win pose, and also doing stuff like karate-chopping heads to shove Oscars in the vacant neck holes, that's when they started going somewhere with him.

Johnny Cage was the first character we shot, so he’s like the father of Mortal Kombat. When we were shooting him, we did every movement we could think of to try to get some kind of idea of what path to take during the game.

People think Johnny Cage is based on Van Damme because that’s what the game was supposed to be, but he was really modeled after Danny Rand, AKA Iron Fist. Same thing with Jax, who is actually modeled after Power Man. So we goof around and say that this was really the first crossover, because we were inspired by Marvel comic books, but the game’s owned by DC.

Johnny Cage was first, and my original idea for his fatality was to punch the guy so hard that his head goes flying off. But then John was like, because Van Damme had said no, “You want to poke a little bit of fun at Van Damme?” And I was like, “Uh, what do you got in mind?” He was like, “You can do the splits, and we’ll have him punch people in the nuts.” So I did that - An oral history of Mortal Kombat

I think a lot of what works about Johnny Cage, where other funnyman fighting game characters don't, is that Johnny started out unique in his own way, too. While visually he was just a dude in tights, he made a hell of an impression in the first game. Not just because of the Nut Shot, unheard of in fighting games at the time and still pretty rare even now ever since Cage made a name as “the fighting game character that punches you in the dick”, but also thanks to his fist-pump-and-sunglasses victory pose that kind of immediately established him in MK1 as the character with the most personality, even before you knew he had this movie star background, character traits the movie would wind up expanding on as it essentially defined much of Cage’s role and personality going forward. 

I suspect he’s probably the favorite character for the devs to write because so much of the dialogue and jokes surrounding him comes out so naturally. He has terrific interactions with everyone in the cast whether they’re hero and villain, they get to insert as many references and in-gags as they like in said lines and still be in character, they get to constantly refer to his in-universe film career and make interactions out of what the characters think of it (still love that he only has one in-cast fan, in Tremor), really, Johnny Cage’s personality is so much more well-defined than that of most (if not all) other characters, even today, that in MK11 he was one of the few characters who was given the honor of being an Announcer, a honor that’s only reserved for Boss characters and characters with deep and impactful voices (Raiden and Robocop). Johnny Cage was the exception because the devs rightfully knew people would wanna hear Johnny Cage get to roast and name-call everyone. Johnny really is a league of his own in terms of characterization.

Johnny's always had not only a unique hook and niche, but an important niche in the cast, as the funny human character who’s out of his depth next to all of these gods and monsters and warriors, who gets to be vain and goofy and as humiliated as he is humiliating to fight against, and he gets to be at genuine risk since his storyline contract wasn’t death-proofed until the reboot (and even then, Cage still gets the shit kicked out of him a lot, and usually in ways that hurt a lot more than what usually befalls guys like Scorpion or Liu Kang). I’d argue Cage is the most successful comic-relief character in fighting games partially because, unlike other comic-relief goofballs like Dan Hibiki or Paul Phoenix, Johnny Cage is part of a franchise that for the most part (that is, regrettable exceptions like Bo’Rai Cho aside), really, really doesn’t have any explicitly funny characters, or even that many human characters. 

It’s one thing for a cartoon character to exist in a setting that’s already skewed towards funny or cartoony or silly characters, but when the game is fought between realistic-looking designs and the setting is an eternal life-and-death struggle between vicious superpowered murderers who, even at their most benign, commit unspeakable acts of gore and torture as a player reward with the fate of Earth and the universe hanging in the balance, having one character who’s both a lot more lighthearted than the others, as well as the one most prone to looking at it and going “hey, that’s kinda fucked though, I don’t wanna kill weird lizard dudes I don’t know just cause an old man’s telling me to do it”, goes a long way to making him stand out and also ensuring that his jokes land, even when they’re not that funny. His jokes don’t even need to be consistently that funny or well-written, the fact that he’s a self-obsessed douchebag boomer goes a long way in ensuring even the most childish or basic insults are still in-character, but the fact that he’s cracking these kinds of zingers against these monsters and badasses at all in open defiance to them and their power definitely is also part of what makes him endearing to the audience.

Johnny’s a comic relief character who really emphasizes the “relief” part of the term, and there’s an interesting contrast with Johnny in that he’s got this laundry list of character flaws that all the others will extensively comment on, but on the other hand, he’s also consistently one of the most decent people in the entire setting and one of the most unambiguously heroic characters. Unlike a lot of other MK anti-heroes who will switch allegiances on a dime, it’s never into question that Johnny will fight for Earthrealm and even sacrifice himself to fight in the name of good and protect his world and his family.

I also realize that I’m saying this about a character who I just described as one who will karate chop skulls to then stuff trophies into the leftovers for an ironic gag, the same character who rips people in two and then holds their dangling torsos to pull off the world’s shittiest ventriloquist dummy act, something you can have him do against his wife and child but, look, it’s Mortal Kombat, you kinda have to get used to everyone turning into a bloodthirsty psychopath at your command no matter how they’re otherwise written in lore. Also, it’s funny and that goes a long way. 

Despite the way I’m describing it, I actually think Mortal Kombat is really, really silly a lot of the time and that’s actually how I tend to prefer enjoying it, and I definitely appreciate when the devs have fun packing humor into it as well (I know this is gonna sound lame or whatever but I actually like the Friendships more so than pretty much most Fatalities. I think they paint a more interesting picture of the characters (even if inaccurate) and they make me appreciate the characters more, even those I’m otherwise indifferent to), so I’m definitely not opposed to Johnny Cage being around making a fool of himself and everyone else, if anything he usually makes the Story Modes of these games more bearable for me.

I also really like what they’ve been doing with him character-wise since the reboot, not just in terms of his humor but also in his general role in the plot. I like that they’ve let him age and mature, have a kid who’s the next-gen protagonist in her own right and who one-ups her old man by punting people in the groin so hard their spine and skull wind up ejected out of their body, and let Johnny come on his own as a family man and warrior and hero, even putting him next to his younger version for contrast to show how far he’s come, and yeah I absolutely think the character deserves props for actually having consistent character development across the games, and for them to have turned him into a genuine family man on top of a great hero. They’ve let Johnny Cage mature and grow real nicely without having him lose what makes him funny and entertaining. I think he’s a really, really solid, well-made character who has consistently some of the best lines and moments of all characters, he’s not quite my favorite (although he’s definitely in the Top 5) but I could very well agree with the idea that he’s overall the best character. 

I especially love also how lately they’ve been further incorporating actor antics into his playstyle, giving him moves where he summons a stunt double, bashes your skull or stabs you with his trophiesm does a mime act that can lead to a Brutality where he smashes your skull with an invisible door, having him stun opponents with a camera flash which can melt their face off, bump into a boom mic between rounds, using said boom mic to impale opponents through the mouth and then doing a mic check, and that absolute 10/10 Fatality where he’s trying to uppercut someone’s head off poorly and they have to keep redoing the takes while he gets frustrated, before he just throws the head against the camera and literally breaks the 4th wall even further. I absolutely love this direction they’ve taken with his moveset and I would love to see it get pushed even further. 

It’s hard to even fault Johnny Cage for having that much of an ego when, not only is he a genuine badass and funny hero, but it’s so readily apparent his creators have a blast writing stuff for him, he’s gotta be at minimum the favorite character of at least someone in the MK staff. He’s like the one character who actively allows for the dumb jokes that have consistently defined MK’s sense of humor, to the point they canonized his Friendship (a character-breaking show of sillyness for most other cast members ) where he gives an autographed picture of his face to an opponent as something he just does on the regular, and even his new Friendship where he does the Warner Bros Frog Dance is comparatively tame compared to all the other bullshit Johnny gets up to on the regular like win poses where he poses his own action figures. I don’t actually have to work very hard to come up with texts of positive stuff to say about Johnny Cage, I just have to describe all the great stuff that he already does in the games. His appeal is incredibly self-evident as well as his role as one of the greatest and most iconic of fighting game characters. 

Frankly I wish he’d get into more crossovers, the way the ninjas or Raiden seem to. He seems like a great and ideal character to have show up in just about anything, as clueless and out-of-his-depth as he was when he first started in the tournament but not letting that stop him from being a great hero and an even greater jackass to whoever has the misfortune of being in ear-shot of him. He’s a ready-made magnet for other characters to insult or reference having history with, as much as he’s the kind of character you can very easily have fun with imagining the ways he’d interact with a different cast of characters for him to antagonize and be antagonized by. Cage just has it all.

[modgirlyreposts-revamped]

Ok so here's my mechanic + Michael. He wears a lot of blue bc his placeholder model in Lewis's video is all blue lmao

So basically my headcanons for the mechanic-

I'm calling my version of him Caleb Martz first off

He's homeless, and just camps out in that warehouse kinda place.

I took one look at his animatic design and hit him with my nonbinary laser so he's agender with a preference for he/him, but he's ok with any pronouns.

It's not really illustrated in the image but Caleb is like an entire head shorter than Michael, though that doesn't say too much about Caleb's height since my Michael is like 6 foot something. Caleb is like 5'8

In terms of personality I see him as being sort of like Jonah from TMC. Immature, reckless and annoyingly lighthearted jackass with a really good heart who cares deeply for his boyfriend best friend and just wants to help in any way he can, especially after being manipulated by Afton to undermine Michael's goal of ending the cycle of violence and trauma that the person he was helping started.

Hey you know Jonah and Adam's huge fight at the climax of The Mandela Catalogue Volume 2. That but in the context of Caleb and Michael, with Caleb trying to convince Michael not to die in the FFPS fire and to stop killing himself to pursue the goal of fixing his father's sins, not his own but someone else's entirely, to do something that was never his burden to carry, and Michael just cannot and will not listen to him, because he's lost so much to this and he doesn't even have any other reason to continue living. Because even if he loves Caleb, time would eventually tear them apart too. Michael can't age, and his rotting husk of a body can only last so much longer. This is just how it has to be and Caleb cannot see that and it's destroying both of them to even think about.

Though Michael has been around a long time, he's basically permanently 21 years old, mentally and physically, due to his death in the scooper at that age. Thus, from a simple timeline standpoint Michael is older, but from a mental and physical standpoint Caleb is older at 25.

Michael isn't sure how to deal with the fact that he has feelings for Caleb at first because it feels creepy to him, again from a very basic standpoint of how old Michael should be even though he isn't.

Caleb is extremely self reliant because he's spent the last... what, six, seven years alone? And homeless. But by nature he's a really earnestly loyal and kind individual. He just also sucks with people.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I LOVE UR DESIGN FOR HIM, HE'S THE MOST CHARACTER EVER

And I don't think I'm ready to imagine the argument scene at the end of TMC Volume 2 but with these two-

[snowflake-of-destruction]

let's hear about FFVIII seifer, if you're still doing this XD

Why I like them: You know my tastes. A green-eyed man is introduced throwing fireballs around, is kind of a condescending jerk but in a fun way, instigates deep conversations on high ground while staring at the sunset...Well, before we even get to villainy, immolation, and redemption arc, I start going “Is this a favorite character?”  I’m joking...kind of. Some of that does factor in, even the fire. 

Okay, so my favorite thing about Seifer’s arc is that, in the limited focus he’s given, he’s complex and layered from the beginning, and his villain arc is a clear and fascinating illustration of “No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks” ….with a side of brainwashing.

Let’s break this down:

What are some of the words used to describe him by those that know him (by himself, by Squall, by Fuu and Rai)? Romantic. Idealistic. Sensitive. He is the one who believes in making a difference in the world--not just as a wish or goal, but as an imperative to do what your heart says is right even if it’s going to cost you--where Squall is just follow-the-orders-and-do-the-job. If you’re already reading this and objecting, I’m not saying Squall doesn’t care...obviously he does, defrosting Mr. Go Talk to a Wall and getting him to a place where he admits how many layers of mask he wears is his character development...but Seifer isn’t just a hothead. He wears his heart on his sleeve. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to deny that Seifer can be an abrasive, self-serving, hypocritical jackass sometimes,  who can fight dirty, wants to “wreak some havoc,” and has a history as a bully--though, gentlefolk of the jury, I submit to the courts that he puts on a tough act like Squall does and they are both different flavors of trying to mimic toxic alpha male--but let’s not forget that some of his establishing character moments are throwing out his future to disobey orders because he sees that the higher-ups have possibly misjudged the situation and civilians could be in danger, and, again, going AWOL because he thinks Squall and Rinoa could be killed. And he calls himself the white knight and holds up a code of honor until the end, even though it gets twisted. He is about duty and honor, with honor even over duty.

Oh, this was only going to be the beginning. I haven’t even begun to touch on what I would want to touch on--this is just surface personality and the beginning of the game before we even get to joining Sorceress Edea, and even then not all I would say-- but this post isn’t actually supposed to be my Ted talk on what you missed if you just think of Seifer as a recurring boss fight. Let’s move on.

ONE MORE THING ACTUALLY. Even though we see a lot of Seifer at his worst, you can use Fujin and Raijin as a mirror. What do they say near the end of the game if we paraphrase/summarize? They knew pretty early on, before even the senseless slaughter and torture era that Seifer was going down a dark path with the sorceress, but they knew it wasn’t him and stayed with him, not because they agreed with his actions, wanted power, or out of fear, but to take care of him and try to break through to him--and not because they are saints, but because he, despite what had happened in the past year, is the type of person who deserves and inspires that kind of loyalty. Let’s think on that.

Now the rest goes under a read more, because I am going to keep rambling and be wordy

Why I don’t: He can be an asshole, and he’s an asshole in an embarrassing way. As in, if one is trying to say he’s not the little punk his KH counterpart is, you remember he still uses the insult chickenwuss (though that is a legacy insult/nickname since he’s known Zell since childhood--and, fyi, Squall uses it too) and he had a little gang in school. Even once he’s a military commander of an evil army set on world domination, he has some moments where his level of petty undermines him.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): The Dollet mission

Favorite line: Sorry, not sorry that the following is my favorite exchange of lines and that the prison torture scene is another of my favorite scenes. For context, Seifer has captured Squall, has him hanging up on the wall in crucified hero imagery, implied to be shirtless even though his character model isn’t because they talk about scar tissue or lack thereof from a recent shoulder injury/Squall being stabbed in the chest/shoulder area. Seifer has been electrocuting Squall for information. By this point, I might as well have put the whole scene here. Also, I am now going to blame Squall and Seifer text boxes in FFVIII for my own abuses of ellipses...

Seifer: " I was hoping you'd be there, Squall. So... how'd I look in my moment of triumph? My childhood dream, fulfilled. I've become the sorceress' knight."

Squall: [internal monologue] ...Sorceress' knight... ...His...romantic dream...? But... Seifer... Now, you're just a…[Out loud] "... torturer."

[Squall passes out.]

Seifer: "What did you say? [Steps closer] Passed out cold, eh? This is the scene where you swear your undying hatred for me! The tale of the evil mercenary versus the sorceress' knight!”

This isn’t just me all “mmm, tension.” Seifer has passed the moral event horizon, and it’s not just faceless NPCs that are collateral damage anymore. We’ve seen him on screen torture the protagonist, who is also one of the only people who he’s shown to have a real bond with that goes beyond superficial. Then we get this and see Seifer thinks he’s the good guy still, on a noble mission where he’s had to make painful sacrifices, and Squall is a representative of the power-hungry evil. Seifer’s been playing a different game, and had his will twisted via magic.

Favorite outfit: The Amano art where the white coat is cast off and he’s wearing the simple black shirt and black jeans under it. Symbolic? Maybe. I wouldn’t give up the coat though. I love the long white/gray coat, the outer embodiment of wanting to wear the white hat, but the desire easily getting tarnished, and the red cross that turns into a sword and becomes Seifer’s symbol and soon to appear other places, emblazoned nice and big on the sleeve. It’s the Cross of Saint James. TRADITIONALLY red represents the blood of Christ, the three lilies represent the honor of the apostle and reference Christ as lily of the valley, and the sword shape represents the torture that St.James suffered before his murder. HOWEVER, my opinion is that here it’s more vague/altered symbolism (For starters, there are other gods not the Christian God in this world) with a side of “looks cool.” We still have something that clearly calls to mind a mission from on high, innocence in the lilies, blood and blood cost, and then war/violence with the sword. And I love it. 

OTP: Seifer/Squall. I should not even start, but lest you think I am just in it for kinky torture scenes: We have these two who, in the beginning, are generally callous or mocking toward everyone, but make each other laugh/smile, see who each other are underneath and describe each other in “soft” terms even if they tease each other for it, repeatedly check in on each other to see if the other is okay, respect each other’s opinion and skills, and...you get the idea. In the words of Zell Dincht, I thought you two were rivals, but you’re all buddy-buddy. 

Pause for a second and let’s just say first impression. That opening fight where they scar each other’s faces? It takes place outside Balamb Garden and the area is shown so we see they are alone. Squall passes out. Squall wakes up in the infirmary within the Garden base. Squall has to explain what happened; people don’t already know. This kind of implies after Squall passed out, Seifer, bleeding from a head wound himself, picked Squall up and carried him home, allowing himself to collapse only when Squall was being safely tended to, because he’s that extra. This is his first (okay, second, after fireballs and face slashing) action in the game even though it’s offscreen. I mean, he could have also just called for help/ran for help, but that’s less fun.

 Seifer is so concerned with being a badass, but he’s admits to Squall all he’s ever wanted was to be the fairytale knight, not a mere soldier. Vulnerability and confession he wants romance....with the first time it’s brought up in game being while they are watching the sun set together, the traditional Square Red Sunset of Shipping. 

Seifer hesitates to defy orders, not for himself, but until he sees Squall is with him. Even though there were other “children of destiny” who all came from the same orphanage, Squall and Seifer were the ones who were never apart, never adopted until it was by a military/mercenary training program, and, even though it may speak more to brotherly than romantic from some angles, there’s a feeling of being the same, knowing each other down to the atoms, adopting an us against the world mindset that trumps trying to best each other when it comes down to it because they are the only constant. When Squall has his breakdown/ breakthrough of why he pushes people away/doesn’t let himself care/tries not to need anyone because people leave/are taken from him and he is scared he isn’t worthy of love and happiness until Rinoa challenges him, this may seem like a dismissal of Seifer, but you can also look at it from “I had no friends or family. I didn’t even have interest in speaking to anyone. I strived to be an unfeeling machine, because all emotion is pain...But also I couldn’t go 48 hours without seeing Seifer.”

Yeah, yeah, we know their main form of hanging out was beating the tar out of each other, but sometimes, especially in older media, this was its own brand of subtext. For more on how Seifer miiiight just view sparring let’s point out that “Isn’t this ROMANTIC?” and “Kneel” as a less easily interpreted as innuendo version of  “I want you on your knees” are battle quotes even in Kingdom Hearts sooo draw your own conclusion. 

We get a line where Squall makes it clear these were friendly matches looked at as pushing their limits beyond what they are allowed to in sanctioned spars, and he feels prepared to take on anything  now because of Seifer. Is it healthy communication  in real life? No! Is this real life? No! Plus, the facial scar was an accident, pretty clearly...on Seifer’s side...I could write another essay on how Seifer draws first blood, but it’s because on Squall’s failed block, AND THEN SQUALL GETS ANGRY AND RETALIATES WITH CLEAR PURPOSE AND MAKES THE OPENING SHOT INTO THE FIRST SIGN GOOD VERSUS BAD GUY ISN’T SO CLEAR CUT (even though they both shouldn’t have been going so hard in a friendly training match to begin with).

 Seifer’s later, repeated threats/expressed desire to give Squall additional scars once he goes evil? That is a different animal, and a horrible one, objectively. Not objectively? No comment. Okay, one comment. Mark you as mine. Two comments. He knows Squall’s lost some memories and he can’t stomach being the next thing forgotten so Squall needs physical reminders.

Hmmm, I was supposed to be talking about the ship, not just the sparring and scars. We can wrap it up with a Marge Simpson. “I just think they’re neat”

BUT ONE MORE THING

Squall’s jacket when he becomes Leon in Kingdom Hearts. His outfit is mostly the same, right? Except the back of the jacket now has a red patch of an emblem (of Rinoa’s angel wings, not Seifer’s cross...for the OT3 feel), and his fight with Sora he throws a fireball like Seifer’s signature. Just, you know, if you want bonus references/feeling.

Brotp: Fuu and Rai. They are willing to commit war crimes with this man, nurse him back from death’s door, and go into exile with him if he can’t return to a normal life even after a redemption arc. This section deserves to be long, but I am beginning to get talked out. Don’t take that as devaluing the friendship though. I’m glad he was allowed to keep his ride or dies in Kingdom Hearts. FRIENDSHIP! They love him, ya know?

Head Canon: What we see of him at the end of the game is a temporary situation and after he heals and refreshes for awhile he’d go back to Balamb and face consequences for his actions, and probably insist on consequences instead of leaning into “an evil sorceress bespelled me and slowly took my free will.” No hiding away in the wilderness. No crossing into and living his life in Esthar. No, “but in the end I broke free and would have been an active, onscreen part of saving the world if Square had let me join the party!” He would insist on being cast into a deep, dark cell. Squall uses pull to get him pardoned, but not before just, flat out, yelling at him for being a martyr.

Unpopular opinion: He did love Rinoa. It may have been a “shallow love,” but he wasn’t just dating her to pass time or because she played into his damsel who needs a hero mindset. There was emotion. He was prepared to die for her and Squall in Timber, and almost did--only being saved by Sorceress Edea...which wasn’t a kindness, but it all worked out in the end. Sure, he gets mind-controlled into using Rinoa as, basically, a human sacrifice and it isn’t Rinoa he wants stripped and brought to his room when we’re taking prisoners, but he cared about her. He does taunt her about their past relationship, but we’ve already established this is just part of his communication skillset.  Yes, I will elaborate more if asked, though it’s more feeling based than text based. 

A wish: If there’s ever a sequel, let him have put out the good in the world that was his dream and be seen as a hero. Let us see a matured and peaceful Seifer. 

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: My one fear if they ever remake FFVIII instead of just porting it, is that some of the creative team have said they like the fan theory where you are dead part way through the game and the rest is a dying dream or purgatory. It’s creative stuff; I will say that. It’s not my favorite, and I don’t agree, but those kinds of fan interpretations when they go in depth are super cool. PLEASE LET THE INTEREST IN IT JUST BE THE SAME AS MINE OF THINKING IT’S CREATIVE BECAUSE MAKING THIS  CANON WOULD BE SO, SO BAD FOR EVERY CHARACTER.

5 words to best describe them: stubborn, misguided, paladin, romantic, petty

My nickname for them: I don’t really have one

[onbearfeet]

He got some help with this in the war--Bucky seems like a guy who got hit with the puberty truck, Gabe might have some thoughts as a large Black man, and as a spy Peggy knows a thing or two about projecting an image--but for my money, the people who worked with him on this most are Thor (when he was around) and Natasha.

Thor is big. He's been a large, powerful man (in several senses of the term) for centuries. And while he's an arrogant jackass at the start of his first movie, no one in Asgard is afraid of him. He's learned to manage his size and presentation in the context of his culture so he's not perceived as a bully (Steve's actual nightmare is being a bully, lbr). While not all of that applies to Midgard, a lot of it still helps.

Natasha, though. You can see her taking Steve under her wing in CATWS. Natasha is both a spy and a dancer--the ultimate performer whose primary tool is her body. The crazy flippy fighting style Steve has in CATWS that he didn't have in CATFA? Her work. She gave him lessons in how to walk, how to stand, how to speak to people to put them at ease. To her, it's no different from Steve running everyone through combat drills. And yeah, she'd model bottling up emotions. It's what she does, after all, to the point where when she's upset at Sam's in CATWS, Steve has to talk her through the Big Feelings she can no longer contain.

My central thesis for this headcanon is the elevator scene in CATWS. You can see Steve switch on the threatening body language. He goes from standing with his shoulders in, looking at his feet, to head up and that little growl in his voice. This is NOT the guy who yelled at a bully in a theater to shut up and then got his ass kicked in an alley. This is a tightly coiled spring of a man who knows he's dangerous, keeps himself on the shortest possible leash, and has just sensed an opportunity to cut loose.

you know what, steve had to have gotten really good at controlling his temper since he got big. when he was just some tiny punk if he got pissed over something he could get angry, like no big deal. okay a 95 pound ball of rage, alright kid whatever you say. wow that toothpick is shouting and waving his arms around over a baseball game how cute

now steve has the strength of a tank and so if he gets mad or yells or has loud emotions, good or bad, he's gonna end up scaring people. it would've been a big adjustment for him to realize that now when he's upset he's frightening and of course he's not gonna be okay with scaring people like that so he has to keep it in, not freak people out just cause he got real excited about the game ending play or something. and I bet that plays into Steve bottling up his emotions so much now since he's no longer a wildly gesticulating punk from Brooklyn but a Threat™

[veorlian]

It Takes Two

Partially inspired by this post. Full link on ao3.

“Andraste’s pressed silk knickers, Garrett, you’re not fighting the Arishok.”

“Aww c’mon Marian, look at me; I’m shredded.”

“He’s easily 300 pounds. What’s your plan, running around the room until he gets tired?”

“…maybe.”

The Tale of the Champion varies widely. Sometimes the hero is a mage, other times a warrior or a rogue. Sometimes they are diplomatic and kind, others snarky or scathing. But there is always only one hero, one Hawke. As it happens, this is wrong.

Or, the one where Garrett and Marian are twins and chaos ensues.

There is a common cliché, with twins, that they have some unspoken telepathic connection with one another, or that they have some spooky, unnatural vibe. Garrett and Marian Hawke, so far as they were aware, didn’t have that. But boy did they sure like pretending they did to fuck with the locals in Lothering, and later Kirkwall. Merrill was convinced they could read each other’s mind for a full six months before they took pity on her and told her the truth.

They’d always been together. Garrett couldn’t remember a time where he didn’t have Marian hot on his heels, fresh from sowing chaos in the Hawke household, both cackling as their father raced after them. Talking with Marian was as easy as breathing, and being a sarcastic little shit with Marian was easier still. Whereas Carver and Bethany were a study in opposites, Garrett and Marian were two halves of a whole idiot. When they moved through the alleys of Lowtown and the hills of the Wounded Coast, they always did so together, regardless of who they brought with them.

“Another one for the dwarf! How many have you got, Hawke?” Varric yelled over the sounds of battle.

“21 for me,” Garrett shouted back.

“Shit, I only have 17,” shouted Marian.

“What can I say, I have a gift.”

“You can cast fireball, that’s cheating!”

“Sorry sister, alas, not everyone can be as dashing and talented as I.”

“I don’t think dashing and talented are the right words for someone who slipped and fell on their ass trying to reach spindleweed earlier,” Marian said, mowing through a horde of enemies with her comically large greatsword.

“Cheap words from the woman who burped in front of the viscount the other day,” said Garrett, smashing a group of mercenaries into the ground with a wave of force magic.

“That’s a low blow, Garrett.”

“You’re too short for a high one.”

“I’m only two inches shorter you jackass.”

“What’s that? I can’t hear you from all the way up here.”

They ended up back-to-back. They fought together like a well-oiled machine, and any enemies that got too close to the other were always blown back or sliced cleanly in half..

“Oi, Anders!” Marian said on one occasion. They were fighting their way through Hightown, because for whatever inexplicable reason criminals saw a heavily armoured group of adventurers and decided that they would make a great target.

“Yes?” Anders replied.

“Do you want to get a drink with my brother later?”

“…are you…are you asking out Anders for me?” Garrett asked.

“No, I’m asking for Carver,” she said sarcastically. “Of course I’m asking for you.”

“Can a man not quietly pine for someone in peace around here?” Garrett complained, neatly ducking out of the way of an incoming sword and slashing at his attacker with the end of his staff.

“Go pine somewhere else, the hormones are making my hair stand on end.”

“Your hair does that anyways.”

“We have the same hair.”

“Yeah, but I make it work. You look like a wet mabari.”

“You smell like a wet mabari.”

“I’d like to get a drink,” Anders interrupted. Garrett paused mid-way through his comeback.

“Oh, well, um alright then,” he said, suddenly unsure, the tips of his ears turning red. “8 o’clock at The Hanged Man tomorrow?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” said Anders, throwing up a barrier around Marian as she charged into a cluster of nearby enemies with reckless abandon.

.

It was different, after the Deep Roads. Bethany and Carver left with the Grey Wardens, and Leandra made it clear in no uncertain terms that she held her eldest children responsible for the loss. When Garrett and Marian laughed together, it was subdued, and their rapier-sharp wit became more defensive, a mask that they held up to protect themselves and one another. Still, they had each other, and they had their friends, and occasionally that same spark of humour shone through.

“Well, one of us is going to have to change,” said Garrett. Their casual clothes for home had been ordered from the same tailor, and as it turned out he only worked in one design.

“Regrettably, brother dear, it looks far better on me,” Marian replied.

“I’m so sorry to hear that your eyesight is going, sister, because anyone with two working eyes can see that I look phenomenal.”

“Shall we put it to a vote?”

“Race you to The Hanged Man?”

“Eat my dust.”

It was, as always, a tie. Anders had voted for Garrett, Varric had voted for Marian, and Fenris and Isabela had voted for both. Merrill refused to take part because she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Aveline had rolled her eyes and left.

“Betrayed again,” said Marian dramatically, holding a hand against her forehead as though she were going to faint away. “Varric is my only true friend.”

“Damn straight,” said the dwarf, laughing.

“Run away with me, Varric, we don’t need these heartless people,” she said, still mock-swooning, only half joking.

“And have to live outside? You’re on your own, Hawke.”

“Et tu, Varric?” she asked. “I am met with betrayal on every side.”

“I’ll go with you, Marian!” Merrill piped up. Marian smiled and patted her on the hand.

“Varric, you’ve been replaced as my best friend,” she announced.

“You wound me, Hawke, my heart will never recover,” Varric chuckled.

“You should’ve thought of that before you chose insulation over me,” Marian replied. They’d laughed, and drank far more than was good for them, and as always Marian had struggled to convince herself that she loved Varric as a strictly platonic friend.

“You should tell him how you feel,” Garrett said once they were home.

“Oh because you’re a perfect model of expressing your love to someone?” Marian replied, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Oi, it’s not my fault you beat me to it.”

“After years of pining after each other.”

“Pot, meet kettle. I’m sure you’ve met each other.”

“Anyways, he said he’s been spoken for,” Marian said.

“Then he’s a fool,” Garrett replied. Marian snorted.

“Pot, kettle, I assume you’ve met?” she said. Garrett looked indignant and they argued back and forth until both fell asleep in the front foyer with Turkey curled up next to them.

.

“There is an argument to be made for applying it more widely,” Cullen said of the Rite of Tranquility.

“Ah. I see,” said Marian, eyes dark.

“You see my point?”

“No,” said Marian. “I see my fist knocking out some of your teeth.”

“Come now, sister,” said Garrett, jaw tight. “I think he’d look much more fetching with a black eye.”

“Are you threatening a templar?” Cullen asked angrily.

“You catch on quick,” the twins said in unison. Varric and Aveline had to physically drag them away from the knight-commander, and they were placed in an involuntary lockdown until they’d calmed down. It was several weeks before they were allowed to return to the Gallows, and even then only under strict supervision.

.

It was different, after they lost Leandra. They were quiet for a long time, sitting together.

“Was this…our fault?” Garrett asked.

“No,” said Marian, struggling to convince herself as well as her brother. “We couldn’t have known.”

“I’d say she wouldn’t want us to blame ourselves, but I don’t suppose you’d believe me,” he said. Marian laughed quietly, hollowly.

“No, I suspect she’s telling father that if Carver and Bethany were still around, rather than Grey Wardens, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

Some time later, when the tears were spent, the others showed up at their door, bringing their overwhelming love with them. It was the same as always, but different. The others started staying over more regularly, filling the unbearably quiet house with noise. Varric got them another dog, insisting that Turkey was looking lonely. Anders got them several cats, insisting that Darktown was too dangerous for them. They threw themselves into battle, growing more reckless with every fight, to the point where they rotated through Anders’s clinic on an almost daily basis, sporting bruises, lacerations, and the occasional broken bone. They didn’t talk to anyone about Leandra, except for each other.

.

“Andraste’s pressed silk knickers, Garrett, you’re not fighting the Arishok.”

“Aww c’mon Marian, look at me; I’m shredded.”

“He’s easily 300 pounds. What’s your plan, running around the room until he gets tired?”

“…maybe.”

“I’m the eldest, I get to fight him.”

“I’m the tallest, that ought to count for something.”

“Sure, it means you’ll tower over the others as you cheer for me from the sidelines.”

“Mariaaaaaan.”

“It’s a good start, but you’ll want a bit more enthusiasm for the cheers.”

“Just be careful, yeah?”

“When am I not careful?”

“Do you want an alphabetical list or a chronological one?”

.

And so there they were, the Champions of Kirkwall, bedecked in their new armour, joking again that one of them was going to have to change. There they were, running around the city with their friends in tow. There they were, siding with the mages without a second thought. Marian joked about getting ‘fuck the templars’ tattooed on her ass, but was informed that the message might be misconstrued.

Varric wrote his book, and only mentioned Marian, omitting any suggestion that she had a twin. He explained that having two heroes was too clunky from a narrative standpoint, people would get them confused, and so on. Garrett joked that his heart might never recover from the betrayal.

.

After the chantry was destroyed, there were choices that had to be made. For the first time, the twins had to separate. Much of the world believed that there was only one Champion, and Marian insisted that she didn’t want to put Garrett and Anders at risk. Garrett had gone with Anders, and Marian had set out on her own. Their goodbyes were short, as they always were. There was no doubt for either of them that they’d see each other again.

Varric lied through his teeth to Seeker Cassandra, describing the life of Marian Hawke, the sole Champion of Kirkwall. She took him to the conclave, and to the events that followed. Marian heard that the Temple of Sacred Ashes had been destroyed, and a part of her broke. She met up with Garrett and Anders on the road, and her brother hugged her tighter than he ever had before. When she eventually got a letter from Varric, she showed up at Skyhold ready to kick his ass for not writing sooner.

.

“Inquisitor, meet Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall,” said Varric. Marian snorted.

“I don’t use that title much anymore. Too stuffy, makes me sound like a prat,” she said.

.

It was Marian in the fade, Marian who offered to die to cover their escape.

“I won’t let you,” Varric told her vehemently.

“You can’t stop me,” she replied. “I love you. And tell Garrett I’m sorry.”

“Tell him yourself,” he said, voice raw.

And then Inquisitor Lavellan, eyes red, asked Stroud to stay. He agreed, and Varric physically dragged Hawke back to the real world.

.

That night, sitting in his tent, she and Varric talked for a very long time, and he told her the story of how Bianca got her name. Once he’d finished, they were both quiet.

“I do love you,” said Hawke, "in a cheesy, mushy kind of way.”

“Andraste’s ass, Hawke, how long have you been sitting on this?” he asked.

“Hmmm, since about five minutes after I met you, by my last estimate.”

“Shit, really?”

“It’s the chest hair, women just can’t resist it,” she said dryly. Despite himself, Varric laughed.

“Well shit, Hawke, you’ve got me beat there.”

“Oh?”

“It took me ten minutes.”

“Ah, well, I see that our reputations for being dumbasses remain intact, then.”

“Hey, speak for yourself,” he said, laughing. Marian grinned and kissed him. And, amazingly, he kissed her back.

The next day she left for Weisshaupt, and was delighted to find that Anders and Garrett were already there. The I-told-you-so that she received from Garrett was so loud that it bounced off the walls of the fortress, and his vitriolic shouts that greeted her recounting of the fade were even louder.

.

Years later, the viscount of Kirkwall heard a knock at his door.

“Come in,” he said, and was immediately knocked over as two very enthusiastic Hawkes launched themselves at him.

“I’m getting too old for this,” he complained.

“You’ve been saying that since we met you,” said Marian.

“You must be ancient by now,” Garrett agreed.

“Is that any way to talk to the leader of Kirkwall?”

The twins looked at one another and shrugged.

“It’s never stopped us before,” they said in one voice.

.

They say that there was only one Champion, but that’s not true. There were two.

[stellarvisionary]

My mom pointed something out to me yesterday that’s got me thinking a lot. My dad died back in 2001, when I was 19. He’s been dead for exactly half of my life now. Unluckily, he died during what was a critical point in my development as a person. Like...there are a lot of things he could have taught me in my early twenties, that I never got the chance to learn.

After my dad died, I got shuffled around a lot. I lived with my sister a month, then my aunt 4 months, and then on my own for 8, before moving back in with my sister for like 4 years. Then I moved back in with my mother, and have been here almost 14 years. In all that time, I haven’t have a male role model come into my life on a steady enough basis to kind of take the role of surrogate father, to teach me the things fathers teach their sons, both in terms of practical knowledge and more abstract stuff.

Over the winter and spring, I ended up spending a lot of time with my stepdad. He’s getting older and he’s not as physically capable as he used to be, so I was helping him. We’d go up to a piece of land we own and cut wood, and we’d haul it home and split it. I was also helping him in the new workshop garage we build last year, as he was building benches on which to do woodworking and such. This spring, I was helping him with the maple syrup, both hauling in the sap, and helping him cook it down. I’ve ended up learning a lot over the past few months, because the lone father-ish figure I have in my life finally took the time to get to know me and how my brain works, to actually try teaching me things.

I’m 38 years old, and I’ve gone without a real father figure  for half my life, and the one I have is an unrepentant jackass who took over a decade to start seeing me as a real person.

Is it any wonder I spend so much time immersed in fiction? I’ve learned more about being a man from characters like Solid Snake, Ezio Auditore, and Geralt of Rivia than I have from any real person in my life.

[mwolf0epsilon]

DBH - A Russian Alien in Detroit

This one is a little more rushed, but I wanted to introduce Artyum and Val before I proceeded to mess around with any more of my androids.

The DBH fandom needs just as many interesting and fun human ocs as it has awesome android ocs!

---

    In all of his 2 years of experience living in America, Artyum found that everything was kind of the same as his home city in Russia.

It stank of pollution and the people sucked ass, although very often he found that being so rude didn't do him any favours.

Or maybe just being a foreigner already screwed him up big time. He couldn't decide which one was it just yet...

    On arrival he'd been fresh out of uni, with his engineering degree still holding that pleasant new smell, and his hair being cut short and beard trimmed to perfection.

His grandmother had always told him first impressions mattered when going to a job interview, and applying for an apprenticeship at Cyberlife in America meant that he had to be careful with how he spoke, dressed and worked.

Perfect and efficient were what she'd told him to go for. Never less.

His father in turn, had told him to be better than that, so as to show the Americans how Russians got shit done. Honestly, he'd tried.

But when you're Russian and your country is having a dick measuring contest with the one you're supposed to live in for work reasons, you can kiss the simplicity of a nice life goodbye.

His superiors had hated him for being a “Commie” spy, and they'd all treated him like a trash fire for looking older than he really was.

Genetics were a bitch, and the male side of the family all reached 6’ in their early 20s.

He was 21 and built like a bear.

The chief engineer who was a pretentious jackass with the self-confidence of a worm, really didn't like that in particular.

Apparently being outsized, outweighed and outsmarted by a 21 year old graduate, was a personal blow to his fragile ego.

Really there was nothing, short the food and work, that got a tiny bit of pleasure out of his stay in the country.

And then working in the engineering department, testing the newly built androids, became less fun and more nerve-wracking.

    Everyone in his department knew about the “Defects”. The androids that just didn't come out working as they should.

His supervisor told him that he should flag any of the 'droids that just bugged out and acted up weirdly, but honestly?

Something just never felt right about it when he did it. A sort of gut feeling that had nothing to do with the sugar glazed donuts and redbull he'd had for lunch.

And then, being the curious idiot that he was, Artyum Kutznekov just started really paying attention to his tasks, rather than punching in his card and disassociating for the day until his shift ended.

The false bliss he'd felt over working his “dream job” had come crushing down when it really clicked what he was doing.

The “Defects” weren't so much as glitching androids as they were aware.

And not just a simulation gone wrong. They were scared, and it was REAL.

    Artyum wasn't that clean shaven nerdy boy anymore. He wasn't sucking up to Cyberlife and it's corporate vampires. He'd quit, sent a letter home, got a lecture back and then said fuck it to everything.

He became an official citizen of the United States and moved into some shitty hellhole of an apartment, right above some Brazilian couple that fought every night and then fucked their brains out at 4 am. The above tenant was nice, an old Scottish grandmother who'd greeted him with a beer and a few words.

 “Welcome to the most culturally diverse part of Detroit. We get all the immigrants here.”

 “Is that good or bad?” He'd asked.

 “Russian. Tsk tsk… Lose the thick accent and ya might not get shot in an alleyway.”

 “Would be much better than to live in America anyway...”

 “That's the spirit lad. You'll fit right in.”

She hadn't been kidding.

There were a lot of people with different ethnic backgrounds in the apartment and they weren't all that bad.

One of them, Val, was a young 19 year old latina who lived in the basement floor.

No parents, no other relatives, just her and her android dog, Regi.

She was as smart and cunning as a fox and had the tongue of a sailor. Nana Agnes scolded him for giving the kid vodka sometimes.

It kind of paid off that he'd befriended her in the end, after Sergei came into his turbulent life.

 “So, couple of custom parts and something to help save his skin?” The girl grimaced “Sugar, you're really killing my buzz here. That android is fuuuucked.”

 “Tell me something new...I know it is a difficult task, but I am being at...At wits end. Repairing is easy, yes? But customizing to fit older model is your bread and...and.” he paused, clicking his tongue for a second of annoyance as he tried to recall the proper term.

 “Butter. My bread and butter, which requires pay.” Val rolled her eyes. “I swear, you're a heck of a fuckin’ dictionary Artie, but how can ya remember the precise name of biocomponents and shit, if you can't remember how to say butter or even spork?”

 “I studied! Manuals have all information on complex parts, but they do not come with information on what one is to put in toast!” He pouted. “Also combining spoon and fork is most stupid thing I have ever been told! There are different utensils for reason!”

 “Oh my god Art you're killing me.” Val smirked “And fiiine. I'll get you those parts, but ooonly if you let me tweak the voice box for Sergei.”

 “You are enabler though! You will give him annoying voice that will get on my nerves!” he'd complained.

 “Hey! Sergei's all about dat sweet sweet gay culture. If he wants a super funny and cute nasally voice, let my boi have one! Bitches gotta go all out my dude!”

 “I swear I do not know why we are friends.”

 “Cuzz I'm such a charmer, and you're bored of hearing Marcello's and Joana's soap opera dramas every morning.”

 “Becoming listener of their activities was not a choice.” He reminded her.

 “And the term you're looking for there, is vouyer~”

 “I am not a vouyer!!!”

 “No, but you're a big hairy dude that lives with a gay robot that's missing several limbs and a lot of screws.”

 “You make it sound very questionable.”

 “I build custom vaginas and dicks for androids that can't consent, while knowing that there are living ones fighting for their rights in this shit show of a city. Life's fucked. Let me have fun at the expense of my Russian bear neighbour and his twinky android roommate.”

 “I will drink to that.” he replied as he took both their glasses for a refill.

 “Yeah could sure do with another drink. To our shitty weird as fuck life.”

 “Amen.”

 “Like God would condone any of this, lol.”

    America wasn't all that great, neither was Russia really, and honestly Artyum had chosen a poor time to move into Detroit, but hey...

If he hadn't died in some alleyway because of hate crimes, then he was surely not gonna die because of what was up with the city and it's "Deviancy problems".

If he did, at least then he'd die knowing he wouldn't have to get shot at the grocery store for having a thicker accent than people were comfortable with.

Until then he was content with repairing Sergei. The PL600 sure could use a helping hand after he'd been put through, whatever the fuck his twisted owner had done to him before Artyum found him in pieces.

[healer-blissey]

since the remaster theory was basically debunked, here’s some things from the original that should be changed if one ever comes out:

all characters introduced post-madarame should have their social links reworked. every single one of them. makoto and haru’s especially bc makoto’s sl doesn’t even revolve around her growing as a person. that whole ‘im not just gonna do what adults tell me to do’ shit is complete bs bc she still does Just That. haru’s confidant is all over the place and weirdly rushed and flip-flops between ‘you should trust people!!’ and ‘not everyone is trustworthy.’

take out all older woman/mc romances. it’s gross, weird, and completely destroys the characterization of everyone involved, especially ohya and kawakami, who are shown to be good people despite being pedos if you take the romantic route somehow 🙃

take out the homophobic caricatures of gay men in shinjuku. its not funny and this game came out 2017 for fucks sake

similarly, give us a gay and female option. women like to play videogames, shockingly enough, and gay people. Exist.

a p4 situation should’ve been what happened for valentines day if you cheated on your gfs so it drives home the point that cheating is wrong and hurts people, despite what others may think

ryuji in terms of him outside his confidant needs to be completely reworked. his characterization during and post-kamoshida are two drastically different people. he went from someone who didn’t give a shit abt other’s appearances and genuinely being a good person to a superficial perv jackass

in general the plot needs a shit ton of refinement:

the nude modelling sub-plot and yusuke’s creepy behavior needs to be completely removed to avoid him coming off as a piece of shit right out of the gate.

makoto’s entire character needs to be reworked or replaced with hifumi bc a school president who doesn’t change at all with the exception of telling kobayakawa to fuck off (and ONLY him, bc after he dies she goes back to being straight-laced and a COP) is not a rebel. she’s what a failed naoto looks like

haru needs more characterization aside from sweet girl. we need to see more of her vicious and cruel side, which has been hinted at, but never fully explored. could be seen in relation to akechi killing her father, which for whatever reason is pushed aside to redeem him despite him not deserving it in the slightest

akechi should not have been redeemed. Full stop. he caused irreversible mental shutdowns, killed wakaba and okumura, and ruined the lives of both futaba and ohya, giving the latter life-long mental issues. i don’t give a shit if he had an absent father, it doesn’t excuse the fact that he willingly went over to shido’s side without any prompting. he was not manipulated or threatened, he even states himself his reason for hating him is that he was an absentee father. this honestly makes his actions worse in hindsight, bc he did this all for the purpose of getting back at him in such a miniscule and utterly insignificant way without giving a shit abt the people he destroyed in the process. akechi did not deserve redemption in any form, and was not a tragic villain - just a stupid one

the conflict between morgana and ryuji is also completely ridiculous, bc morgana is the aggressor for more than half of the situations presented, and ryuji only suddenly becomes a dick for the sake of this conflict despite only responding to morgana’s below-the-belt jabs in the past prior. not to mention his main reason for getting upset is because ryuji compliments futaba for her superior navigation skills...... which is true, bc futaba persona is a fucking navigator. morgana is meant to be a fighter and only took up a navi role bc no one else could, why the hell would he be better than futaba. honestly morgana was such an unlikeable character, i was actually glad he “died” near the end. says a lot abt the writing of the game if i end up hating a cat :/

Btw shido is also a terrible villain bc of how they shoehorned a puppetmaster trope into his character despite not really needing one. he didn’t need to have a connection to madarame or kaneshiro, everything else was good enough. he’s just so underwhelming as a villain :/

give lasting consequences to the characters? P4 and p3 did this way better, with all character deaths (sans morooka) having lasting effects on the characters and even serving as their primary motivations for some, and in p3’s case answering the primary question posed throughout the game (what is the meaning of death?) with the protagonist’s death, as he found the answer and found meaning in his fleeting life through death. when p5 ends, nothing really changes with the status quo, it’s all wordy bullshit that’s never shown to the viewers and only stated through observations by other characters. not a good thing for such an environmentally driven game

there needs to be more team interactions in non-serious settings. just let them be kids, please. not just for me, but bc we don’t really get to see them acting as a family, their strong bond is something that feels out-of-place and unnatural. this is especially true for haru, bc we are introduced to the interesting concept or her not trusting the pthieves at first. have her watch from the sidelines before eventually deciding that they’re good or whatever and formally become a pt in a cool way. Not just ‘now that morgana likes you i like you :)’

for the love of god, don’t romance-code the strength confidant. i shouldn’t need to explain this

also some more bits that are less pressing and more me just nitpicking:

haru’s voice. her japanese va sounds nothing like her english one, and you would be forgiven for thinking she’s 12 with that voice. an entire layer of her character is removed with her cutesy uwu voice bc her regal appearance and demeanor was meant to contrast her vicious attitude and fighting style. get smoked kid also needs to have a va change - kid sounds like he’s a 65 yr-old granny

morgana does not make a good magician, bc all he ever guides us with is in the tutorial, then he becomes the ‘idk what tf is going on either lmao’ guy. yosuke’s role as a guide in p4 was through emotional means, and serving as the connection between city and country life to the protagonist. he is literally your partner. junpei is your guide to living life to the fullest without being tied down to your past - something vital in such a depressing game like p3, with characters whose pasts define their presents with a very much No Fun Allowed attitude.

the fortune confidant being a fortune teller is just... lazy :/ really?

that’s p much it but there’s a lot more to improve that i just didnt mention bc. This post is long enough already :|

[theotherbluewizard]

Execute the RNC for treason

I’m talking every single member of the RNC. Yes including RNC picks on the Supreme Court. Throw them in court for their lives, and them shoot them on live TV for High fucking Treason. Reason 1: Trump committed treason, Trump is an imbecile puppet, they used him, they are responsible for backing him, they committed treason. Reason 2: The entire RNC is sex obsessed bizarre embarrassing fuckwits who do not know their asses from their elbows about what they are talking about ever. I’m talking these jackasses do not understand evolution, they do not understand germ theory, they do not understand the social contract, they do not understand basic sociology, they do not understand basic psychology, they have never even read the friggin gospels despite having committed their lives to Jesus, or if they did they managed to have such staggeringly bad reading comprehension that they could not parse the OBVIOUS LEFTIST AGENDA OF JESUS, or if they did they actually thought they could get away with lying about the plot of a book anybody can read. Jesus says the rich don’t go to heaven and the right is just fake as shit for ignoring it. The Bible even calls them out on it, but they haven’t read the part about hypocrisy so they don’t care. There is no reason such poorly educated people who fail to understand fucking anything about the world around them, even the religion they use as an excuse to be idiots, should be in charge of other people. I guarantee not a one of these motherfuckers would ever look up the meaning of the word Liberalism literally to save their lives even after having been told because they would have to admit to THEMSELVES that they do not know what it is already, which they do not. These book burning backward ass literally Malthusian literally Draconian fuckwit imbecile indolent hedonist weak ass soft hands Karens who will leave you to die rather than go a year without a fucking haircut are, to put it simply, really fucking stupid and cannot be expected to behave responsibly like adults. Reason 3: They don’t believe in fucking democracy. Holy shit why this is not like a fucking deal breaker in and of itself I will never understand. Would you people please explain to me how we all got to pretending that’s not like exactly what the term right-wing is fucking describing is someone who will fucking vote down democracy like an absolute chode. That’s what it fucking means. I hear tell some fuckwit right-winger wrote a book about how when other people use the term to describe him they aren’t calling him a fascist dickwad they’re saying he’s sOcIaLlY cOnSeRvAtIvE and somehow this is different and fine nebulously although it may or may not be but is but might not be but always is associated heavily with like literally all kinds of bigotry FOR OBVIOUS FUCKING REASONS. BECAUSE THAT’S AUTHORITARIANISM. Literally all models that are authoritarian have people who are on top and people who aren’t, and will thus endlessly find reasons to put people on the bottom. You know a model is authoritarian if it’s hierarchical, because those words mean basically the same thing. Hierarchical means there’s people who are on the top and people who aren’t. Are you following me American? I know they did not teach you this in school and you never bothered to look it up. Hey, here is a random, non-exhaustive list of some authoritarian models to help you along: despotism, where the despot rules, monarchy, where the monarch rules, theocracy, where the theocrats rule, capitalism, where the people with the most capital rule. Is this sinking into your meatspace? WHY WOULD RICH PEOPLE WANT DEMOCRACY. OBVIOUSLY THE RIGHT IS SUS IN THE FIRST PLACE, RIGHT-WING MEANS RULE BY RICH. WHY WERE THEY EVER GIVEN ANY POWER OR RESPECTED GOG DAMN YOU PEOPLE IT FUCKIN SAYS ON THE TIN THAT THEY DO NOT BELIEVE IN FUCKING DEMOCRACY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. If you don’t believe me, argue with one. Go ahead. Watch them be fake. You give it not ten minutes you’ll point out something and they’ll be fake about it and say some insane shit about simulations and crabs that they expect you to believe that they believe. They do not care about convincing you, they only engage in discussion TO PROVE THAT DISCUSSION IS POINTLESS. They will not be reasoned with, they do not believe in it.

[elijacuzzimoved]

a quick essay on prostitution and homoeroticism in ancient greece

so earlier, i was browsing my own tumblr (as i tend to do, because i forget things that i post) and found this gem from a few months back

i remember seeing this and immediately going to the god of war discord chat and posting this along the lines of “wow i can’t believe this dude thought greeks were heterosexual” and then this dude threw a hissy fit in my askbox. 

so, anyway, rereading this made me suddenly want to talk about greek sexuality? i’m going to start making youtube videos of me just Talking but for now, here’s an... essay, of sorts- it’s short because i have work soon but i have to get this out of my system or i’ll explode. 

below the cut is some nudity, but all artistic

ALSO: SORRY IN ADVANCE IF SOMETHING IS SPELLED INCORRECTLY OR MISTAKENLY SAID, i wrote this Very fast and did not read over it

just to say in the beginning, it’s important to remember that sexuality was NOT the same then as we see it now. heterosexuality and homosexuality are fairly recent terms, mostly to the fault of freud (thanks, jackass). 

so, let’s start with prostitution! always a fun topic, isn’t it?

prostitution was pretty common back in ancient greece, especially in larger cities and almost every port- it employed HUGE amounts of people and represented a notable part of economic activity. both men and women would make up the brothels, for a predominantly male clientele. this was because women had very, VERY harsh restrictions on them. if a woman was caught having an affair or having sex with anyone other than her husband, she was legally allowed to be murdered. female adulterers and prostitutes weren’t allowed to get married, or be in any public ceremony at all. women were also married off quite young, so they didn’t really have the chance to get around. men, though, were usually married around the age of 30- those who wanted to have sex before then would have to turn to slaves or prostitutes. 

i could go on and on about prostitution in greece, but i said this would be short so i’m sticking to the homoerotic aspect of it.  

i said above that prostitutes had an almost entirely male clientele, which is true! there were, however, a few women who would come to see the male prostitutes. one good example is set in aristophanes’ plutus, in which an older woman complains about how her young male prostitute lover jilted her. so that’s fun. 

while female prostitutes were of all ages, male prostitution was restricted almost entirely made up of adolescents. adolescent boys were judged as desirable up until puberty, when they would begin to sprout a beard. a paragraph in affairs of the heart states: 

...a woman is a pleasant armful for a man to embrace, and, even if the beauty of her prime is past. yet... the very man who should make attempts on a boy of twenty seems to me to be unnaturally lustful and pursuing an equivocal love. For then the limbs, being large and manly, are hard, the chins that once were soft are rough and covered with bristles, and the well-developed thighs are as it were sullied with hairs. (25–26)

there are of course cases of men keeping male lovers (it was normal and outspoken for greek men to find both sexes attractive, but their experiences were super different from anything a bisexual man would experience today), but it rarely ended well. kept boys (hêtairêkôs) were looked down upon and deprived of citizenship rights. 

it’s interesting to note that, even with those in pederastic relationships, the adult lover (erastes) couldn’t ask his lover (eromenos) to perform fellacio, as it was seen as degrading in greek culture. for that, they had to go to a brothel. 

“wait a second!” you say. “pederasty?! what is that?!” to which i say: παιδεραστία! a socially acknowledged romantic relationship between an adult male and a younger male. this was HUGE during the archaic and classical periods- it was so influencial in greek culture that it was called "the principal cultural model for free relationships between citizens“ (Dawson, Cities of the Gods, p. 193). while the english word ‘pederasty’ implies the abuse of minors, athenian law recognized consent and not age, no matter how young. (which is... really messed up, i’m sure you realize.) 

erastes-eromenos relationships were huge in the social and educational systems, and even had its own etiquette in social-sexual events. the upper class was super into it (fathers would appoint slaves called pedagogues to make sure only men they approved of would come near their sons, and according to aeschines, they would pray that their sons would be attractive so they could attract the attention of men, and “be the objects of fights because of erotic passions“)

boys back then were actually courted- fathers would make sure only the best would come for their sons. this is different from greek girls, who were placed in eranged marriages. once the sexual relationship ended and the young boy was married, they would continue on as close friends. this is MUCH different from kept boys, who were prostitutes. in fact, if an erastes-eromenos relationship continued after the younger man had matured, it was 100% allowed. there was even a saying: “you can lift up a bull, if you carried the calf”. 

this happened in mythology, too! here’s an excerpt from theognis’ myth of ganymede’s abduction: 

There is some pleasure in loving a boy (paidophilein), since once in fact even the son of Cronus (that is, Zeus), king of immortals, fell in love with Ganymede, seized him, carried him off to Olympus, and made him divine, keeping the lovely bloom of boyhood (paideia). So, don't be astonished, Simonides, that I too have been revealed as captivated by love for a handsome boy.

so, that’s a quick lowdown on sexuality in ancient greece. it’s not as in depth as i’d have liked to make it, but it’s 3:30 and i have work in 30 minutes and i haven’t gotten ready yet. 

and that’s that! shoot me an ask if you have any questions, corrections, if you want sources or if you want to hear more about history because i love talking about history, man.

[vivi-tran]

Problematic Disclaimers

I am incredibly biased towards David Fincher’s work, and that in itself comes with a few other more specific disclaimers we’ll get into later on in this review.

This is a largely historical piece, taking place during the 1970s-80s. If you’re looking for groundbreaking representation for POC/LGBT+/female characters, you may be disappointed.

This show famously deals with the analyses of behavioral science, specifically in dealing with serial killers. This kind of subject matter can be tricky: it’s one thing to be intellectually fascinated by the psychological aspects of these cases, and another thing entirely to sympathize or rationalize these murderers. Mindhunter, of course, makes this type of tightrope act the centerpiece of their story. However, real life serial killers are depicted and dramatized in the show. This could ultimately play into the kind of dangerous romanticizations the show attempts to subvert.

I encourage audiences who correctly assess the character of Holden (Jonathon Groff) as a pretentious shithead to watch till the end.

You could probably make the argument that this series is riddled with ableism. Given, again, the historical background of these analyses, however, mental illness is not something assumed to be well understood in this context. But how we should approach mental illness in storytelling such as this is not my area of expertise, and I am open to anyone bridging that gap for me if I’m being too tone deaf in that respect.

Trigger Warnings

The only instance of gore that you see actually happen in real time is in the first scene of the first episode.

This show is about researching serial killers. There is blunt and often irreverent discussion about murder, gore, torture, masturbation, incest, pedophilia, and sexual violence. 

Even protagonists who are regarded as the “good guys” in this show are expected to put on a front in order to coax information out of their serial killer interviewees. Lewd, inappropriate, and disrespectful language is used in these contexts.

Some nudity and sex scenes. 

Drawings and photography of violent images from serial killers’ case files are shown.

Final Verdict: I loved this show.

As to be expected with a story of this subject matter, there’s a lot of ground to cover with disclaimers and triggers. This is exactly the kind of taboo audiences love to indulge in at a distance, telling each other that it’s the psychology of examining a serial murderer that makes these sorts of films and shows so exciting. But these dark and horrendous accounts, interesting as they may be to so many viewers, have to come with a certain amount of responsibility.

This is something I realized with a cold flush while in vacation in Los Angeles, perusing the Museum of Death. I examined a series of figurines modeled after a number of real life serial killers such as Charles Manson and John Wayne Gacy. I tried to imagine what kind of mindset drives a person to buy these kinds of collectibles, much less manufacture them for purchase. 

Putting such a far distance from these murderers and placing our attractions in the same realm as a hobby takes away from the true horror of what these criminals have done. There’s a line between wanting to learn more and becoming part of a subculture that turns monsters into celebrities. 

Luckily for us, that is exactly what Mindhunter addresses.

The story begins with bright-eyed bushy-tailed young FBI agent, Holden Ford. Ford, initially specializing in hostage negotiation, is discouraged by a recent failed case. Behavioral science calls to him, and in pursuing this trade he joins forces with FBI agent Bill Tench (Holt McCallany) and psychologist Wendy Carr (Anna Torv). Together they pioneer a new wave of behavioral science methods in order to better understand the way these murderers think, and, ideally, find them before they can take any more victims.

As I said before, engrossment in this field of study is, as I have come to recognize it, not uncommon. The rise of a show like Criminal Minds, a prime time television series dedicated to the analysis and capture of fictional serial killers, is a strong indication of this. Most of us would find it difficult to wrap our heads around the idea of somebody with such perverse and twisted desires to be as mundane as you or me. We form this distance maybe to avoid the other side of this obsession that the living can afford: that it could have been us. Because it is far easier to gawk at a monstrous form of evil, than to imagine ourselves as their victim.

Mindhunter attacks this line of thinking at its origins and its source. Based on a book by the same name that details the true events of real FBI investigations, the show uses fictional stand-ins to perhaps convey more dramatic representation of these ideas. But I haven’t read the book, so this is just speculation. 

I mentioned in the disclaimers that our supposed hero of this tale, Holden Ford, explicitly presents himself as an utter jackass. Nothing drives the point home harder than Ford’s development which sees his confident rise and his perplexing downfall. Like many rookies in your stereotypical crime story, Ford wants results. He wants to make a difference, and he wants to see the fruits of his efforts now. He thinks that by acting on instinct and asserting himself, he can change everything around him to his favor. This kind of brazen naivety is nothing new and also not inherently wrong. It’s Ford’s intentions, however, that complicate things.

“Why are you here, Holden?” “I don’t know.”

What starts out as a justified practice meant to stop serial killers in their tracks becomes a battle of the minds where Holden Ford manages to put himself on top time and time again. And yet, even after outmaneuvering and coercing valuable information out of several different murderers, Ford’s life crumbles around him. His long-term girlfriend leaves him, he is formally reprimanded by his superiors for his actions, he confronts the consequences to his impulsiveness, and a tell-tale press release puts an almost complete halt to his investigations. 

The first season ends as Holden Ford hits rock bottom. We realize, seeing him fall this far from grace, that by jumping through all these intellectual hoops in order to get the information he so desperately craves, Ford has played right into the hands of some of the most notorious serial killers in history. He’s in too deep. In his hubris, he placed himself so far above these murderers in his own mind because he believes what he is doing is for the sake of justice, that he actually sunk down to their level.

It probably isn’t too difficult to see this progression throughout the first season. We, as the audience, start out rooting for Ford. Yes! We should study these serial killers and put clearer terms to their behavior in order to catch these criminals early on in the game. Horrid as their crimes are, they are actual human beings and as such we need to understand what went wrong as well as when and where. And then Ford’s behavior becomes deplorable, cringey both in and out of interviews. The show poses the question: is it worth it to stoop so low so as to gather this information?

And in reverberating response, the show also answers in the same breath: no.

In some instances, we are drawn to resent characters like Tench and Carr when their bureaucracy stands in the way of Ford’s justice. But, ultimately, Ford becomes unhinged as he learns that by trying to locomotive his way into success, he has shrunk that distance I had previously stressed and learns he has never been fully in control. 

The moral comes effortlessly enough. And while he isn’t the sole director or writer for Mindhunter, we see this kind of thing a lot in David Fincher’s work: well-intentioned men being crushed by a weight they did not take the time to fully grasp in scope, all under the guise of something thrilling and grisly. Fincher’s most famous work, Fight Club, is perhaps one of the most widely misinterpreted pieces of film in cinematic history thanks to every knee-jerk reaction-having male who came out of those theaters wanting to start their own fight club or project mayhem. Fincher himself has advised his own daughter from associating with young men who romanticize the movie. Fincher takes on these topics all the time. I’m having trouble finding the interview that cites this, and I’ll update this post if I find it, but there has been a point in his career where Fincher has been accused of producing torture porn. But this brings me to the meat of what I love about this series.

Mindhunter is told masterfully. The most disturbing and action-packed part of the show is at the very beginning of the first episode when Holden Ford is trying to talk down a man at the forefront of a hostage situation. But, even then, the way the situation is presented is crude and somewhat sad - you immediately understand there is an inherent problem with how criminals with complex mental faculties are treated and handled from this opening scene. After that? The most unnerving images are shown in photographs and drawings, but never played out for the audience. In fact, when was the last time you saw Fincher play out half the gore he alludes to in his films aside from Fight Club? And thus we can be certain this show was not made for the serial killers, but for us. This is a cautionary tale. There’s no reason to show the whole terrible ordeal - just the effects.

At no point did I feel this series was dragging on either. You forget that what you’re watching is mostly comprised of dialogue. There’s no compulsion to show exploitive material. The characters and their responses compel the story forward. You don’t need a SWAT team to break down an unsub’s door and catch the perpetrator mid-dynamic-action. You’re already amongst some of the most ruthless real-life villains in our country’s history. Anything more than that would be jarring. This is not a show for the serial killers. This is a show for how we react to such a tragic brand of evil, or how we should react. It needs to be said because it’s important that we tell the difference.

In the disclaimers, I also mentioned there being little to no ample representation for POC/LGBT+/female characters. While I don’t necessarily retract that statement, I do need to point out that we are given two supporting female characters in the series who play a significant role in both the story and Holden Ford’s life. The first we see is Debbie (Hannah Gross), Ford’s long term girlfriend. Debbie is a smart, independent woman who is able to banter intellectually with Ford and initially finds his thirst for knowledge to be charming. Gross does a wonderful job with this character, but I felt she wasn’t fully done the justice she deserved, especially when she abruptly displayed disloyalty that was never actually addressed in one of the episodes. Had it not been for this scene, it wouldn’t be as obvious that she was probably just a placeholder made to show all the aspects in which Ford’s life was falling apart. 

More prominent than Debbie is Wendy Carr, a well-established psychologist as well as a lesbian. Carr is perhaps the better-written of the two female figures, being decisively driven by her own moral compass and toting the kind of calculating patience that Ford could have afforded to learn from. Torv plays the kind of character we never question, that we trust, that we know is making the most diplomatic calls possible. And even here, I am left wanting more out of her story, out of where she found herself towards the end of the first season other than just a ghost of Ford’s consequences.

Maybe it is for personal reasons that I felt the need to praise this show for distinguishing the difference between feeding a killer’s ego and not losing sight of what is truly important under these investigations. Maybe I am just a fanatic for whatever Fincher touches. And to be sure, it certainly does have his trademark cinematic touch - from seamless and compelling editing to the intense portraits of its characters. But, in any case, this show far exceeded my expectations in its mindful storytelling and is an important piece in a society obsessed with the grotesque.

[renaroo]

Expecting the Best

Disclaimer: Red vs Blue and related characters are the property of Rooster Teeth. Pairings: Grimmons Warnings: Language, Canon-typical violence Rating: T Synopsis: [Reverse Big Bang Entry!] Grif and Simmons prepare for an award ceremony for themselves and the rest of the Reds and Blues, but those pesky expectations keep getting in the way.

A/N: An entry in on the wire! My apologies everyone, but I was having an absolute blast with this entry which I got to do with the amazingly talented @st-franz! And what better to add to the fandom at large than some Grimmons goodness?

Maybe he should have expected a little more.

As a mandate of sorts, Dexter Grif did not allow himself to carry many expectations. He hadn’t bothered to have any for himself, and he certainly hadn’t held any for the people around him. The day he was shipped out to Blood Gulch and was cementing his time with Red Team, that nonexistent bar had been perfectly place.

If he’d raised the bar, he was pretty sure they were readying to trip over it.

So Grif didn’t set expectations, didn’t raise himself to them, and he definitely didn’t exude confidence in them of any sort. Yet, when he looked in the mirror, and he wondered about whether or not there was enough of that monkey grease hair gel Donut had given him, if he’d be able to drop the look of utter shock from his face before he went out there and made an ass of all of them.

Probably not. He probably didn’t have it in him to be unsurprised anymore. Not even after negotiations and settlements and all sorts of other legal jargon that was being thrown their way before the day had come.

They were free.

And as a draftee, Grif meant that on all accounts.

Free of expectations, free of responsibilities, free of active duty, free of…

Free of duty.

It sounded so fake, even bouncing around inside his own skull. The more Grif looked at his war scarred face, the heavy bags under his eyes, and the mess that his hair was even as he smoothed it down with the gross monkey grease again and again. It wasn’t the face that had been drafted into a backwards, stalemated war. It wasn’t even the face that had stumbled into saving the humanity that was left after the Covenant was brought to a daw.

It was…

It was just him, looking like he had never expected the day to come where he was wearing stripes on his uniform.

In truth… he didn’t even know what the stripes meant.

Giving up on calming down his hair, Grif reached up to his uniform and felt over the stripes with his fingers, pressing hard so that the cool curves of the metal could be imprinted on his fingertips.

Recognition had never been a driving force for Grif. He wasn’t looking in life for promotions or handouts or anything. Again, those were expectations. Grif had none.

But there was something… strangely warm about the feeling he got looking at those stripes. There was something nice about knowing that in a few hours he would be standing in front of all the people in the galaxy who mattered, and a lot more who, to him, didn’t, getting ready to recognize those long ago earned markings.

If he was a sentimental man, which Grif really didn’t want to be, he might have had something profound in his mind at all that.

A speech? A toast?

Dexter Grif was a simple man, though, so instead of profundity or nonexistent resolution in his spirits, he waited until the bathroom door opened and he turned around to face his partner in crime and point at his stripes.

“Fucking finally, am I right?” he said sardonically.

Simmons — because of course it was going to be Simmons — stopped short and raised his eyebrows at Grif’s statement. But the surprise was momentary and he quickly returned to a near stoicism.

A near stoicism with an additional presence of sass.

“Do you mean finally I’m done taking up space in the bathroom or do you mean finally someone’s going to make me leave because I’ve been hogging up the bathroom?” Simmons asked dryly. He then moved forward, lightly pushing Grif out of the way as he got to the mirror. “Seriously, what’re you even doing in here? Putting your head in the sink? Your hair’s soaking wet!”

“It’s — no,” Grif scoffed at the very idea. “You know I don’t wash my hair before big events. It’ll just make it easier for sweat.”

“Which I still tell you is not how human bodies work, but go on,” Simmons replied, straightening his already pristine lines of a uniform.

it was only a few steps from infuriating how used to Simmonsisms that Grif was, he didn’t even bother to make fun of the uniform business.

“Seriously, Simmons, my hair’s not wet. It’s this stupid hair moose that Donut gave to me! It won’t keep my hair down no matter how much I add to it!” Grif explained, irritably running a hand through the slick but still distinctively standing hair. “Believe it or not, I actually don’t want to be a complete jackass at this event tonight.”

“Tonight? It’s in two hours,” Simmons scoffed. He then turned and looked at Grif, really looking at him. “Wait… are you nervous?”

“Pfft, no,” Grif said rotating his wrist candidly. “I’m the complete opposite of being nervous. I’m…  bored. Everything about award ceremonies are boring.”

Simmons squinted at him. “Then you admit that the ending to A New Hope is boring and not as good as Empire?” he asked pointedly.

Scandalized, Grif put a hand over his chest and shook his head. “Did you hear me say that? No. Of course you didn’t hear me say that because saying that would be complete bullshit and against everything I’ve ever stood for as a soldier.”

“I’ve never seen you stand for anything,” Simmons needled further, a sly smirk growing at the corners of his mouth. He was definitely enjoying riling Grif up.

What a fucker.

“No, that award ceremony was great and you’re never going to ruin it for me,” Grif said firmly. “But everything is great with Star Wars and everything is crap in real life. So I can totally argue that this thing tonight—“

“In two hours.”

“—is boringly dead on arrival.” Crossing his arms, Grif glanced around Simmons, looking for anything to freshen him up or otherwise explain why he was in the bathroom but coming up with nothing. “Simmons, what’re you even doing here?”

“Besides moving you along for the sake of everyone who wants this thing to run smoothly and us to get discharged without further complaint from the UNSC?” Simmons asked sarcastically. He paused, eyes rolling up in thought, then he shrugged. “Actually, no, that’s pretty much it. Why?”

“Because I don’t see any confetti on you,” Grif replied in equal sarcasm.

Simmons’ brows knitted together. “Confetti? Grif, what the hell are you going on about?”

Letting out a fake gasp, Grif leaned back and away from Simmons in feigned horror. “Why, Simmons! Surely you’re not serious! You forgot the confetti?”

Though Simmons’ face put on a good front — all scowly and unimpressed — the red tinge to his ears and the general way he seemed to grow tense was giving Grif an entirely different story. “What confetti? You’re not making any sense!”

“Wow, Simmons, this really isn’t like you,” Grif continued to joke. “Don’t you remember? Back in the day, Sarge promised after the war was over I’d be a big war hero! Sarge’s going to drive the float, and you’re in charge of confetti!”

For a moment, Simmons seemed to doubt the entire structure of the universe as he knew it, but he quickly snapped back with, “You’re not a big war hero!”

“Uh, I did save you and everyone else a little big ago, or did you forget?” Grif pressed.

“You mean how you saved us after abandoning us on a mission to save the world?” Simmons asked. “Which was the only reason you weren’t captured alongside us?”

There was a twinge of guilt that Grif couldn’t help but flinch back from when he heard it, but he was then determined to see through the charade just for the accusation. True as it might’ve been in some people’s perspectives.

“Uh, yeah. What else would have made me a hero of this story?” he asked. “Seriously, Simmons, I’m going to be pretty disappointed if there’s not any confetti at this thing tonight.”

“It’s not tonight, it’s in two hours!” Simmons cried out.

“Well, then. You better get moving on that then,” Grif shrugged in return.

He might’ve been going a little too harsh, but Simmons more than anyone should have known about Grif that pushing him into a corner did not yield any expected results. So he shouldn’t have been too surprised to open his eyes and see the swinging of the bathroom door as Simmons headed out in a hurry.

“He… wouldn’t really be getting confetti…” Grif tried to reason with himself. He then snorted at the ridiculousness and shrugged. “Nah, Simmons knows me better than that.”

No one knew him as well as Simmons, and it didn’t exactly take knowing Grif well to know that he wasn’t a man who carried many expectations with him.

If Simmons had to narrow down all of his problems to a single entity, it would probably be overwhelming expectations.

It was something that he had been struggling with before he was even able to put it into terms. And it was something that was putting a stranglehold on him in that moment. But with an hour left before the big award ceremony that was supposed to put some relief to his gnawing feelings of anticipation and claustrophobia, he was in the passenger seat of a car with Agent Washington behind the wheel, taking him to the nearest supermarket.

Man, he hoped there was a confetti aisle in supermarkets.

“Can we move any faster through this traffic?” Simmons half whined, looking to Washington as the man simply stared ahead almost lazily.

“Yeah, let me turn on the propulsion system so this car can fly us above the traffic and take us to the local H-E-B,” Washington answered without even glancing toward Simmons.

Blinking in wide eyed surprise, Simmons tilted his head. “These models can do that?” he asked, his brain already working out the schematics for the vehicle they were in which could account for those additional systems and what mechanism would be responsible for making the transformation.

Washington’s eyes squinted slightly and he actually glanced Simmons’ way before refocusing on the road and traffic ahead. “This is a minivan. No.”

Despite his immediate disappointment, Simmons tried to keep himself from shrinking back into his seat and instead crossed his arms in aggravation. “Right, I didn’t think so. Really, I was testing you. I knew that… well, statistically, most minivans aren’t going to be awesome James Bond cars. Because most of them are Aston Martins and not… Nissans? This is a Nissan right?”  Listing off car things was about the most stereotypical bro thing Simmons could manage to make himself do, and there was no denying that Agent Washington was totally going to respect the amount of faux bro that Simmons could pull off.

Or, at least, in Simmons’ ideal scenario that was the case.

Instead, reality served him with a bored looking former special operations agent driving a minivan with an unnatural amount of concentration on the road ahead of them.

“I’ll be honest, I don’t really know that much about cars,” Washington said almost thoughtfully.

Simmons then allowed himself to sink back into his carseat and look at the unending traffic ahead. A high pitched groan came from him almost accidentally as he saw what little progress they had made. “Do you know enough about cars to make them go faster?”  he asked irritably.

“I know enough to obey the law,” Wash answered. “If you wanted a maniac behind the wheel, I seem to recall Carolina offering to drive you to the supermarket instead. You know. The person who got us a speeding ticket on the way to the auditorium.”

“I said faster, not deader,” Simmons argued, shifting in his seat. “Ugh, we only have fifty-five minutes.”

“Probably should have thought about that before you started demanding someone take you to the supermarket for…” Washington paused thoughtfully before glancing back to Simmons curiously. “Sorry, what are we going to the supermarket for again?”

“Confetti,” Simmons answered flatly.

Washington was already looking at the road again, nodding a bit to Simmons’ words probably before even fully hearing them. Then, as the words really made their impact, his brows furrowed and a frown teased at the corners of his mouth.

After a few sideways glances toward Simmons, Washington surprisingly put on the turn signal and began to pull off the road just as Simmons could utter any objections.

“What— Washington! We’re not at the store yet, and unless gravel is a substitute for non recyclable and incredibly wasteful plastics, I can’t imagine why we’d be getting confetti from the side of the road!” Simmons shouted at a tone that was high pitched even by his own ears. Which, of course, was truly saying something.

“I have learned to let a lot of truly strange and unusual tendencies from you guys fly over the years, usually against my better judgment,” Washington answered as he changed the gear into park. “But sometimes I get the good sense to question something that is unusual even for you guys and usually when that happens, I either listen to it or we end up getting shot by someone we stupidly trusted. The latter happens too much, so I’m going to question this time around.” He tilted his head slightly, looking at Simmons expectantly — as if expectation was the ingredient Simmons’ life needed added to its misery stew. “Simmons, why are we going to a store to get you confetti? And why can’t it wait until after the award ceremony that will try to make the past few years of ridiculousness mean something to our permanent records?”

Simmons blinked a few times in surprise. “Well, when you put it that way it sounds like no amount of confetti could really be enough to ;put some semblance of reason behind what we’ve been doing for, like, fifteen years now.”

“You see my confusion then,” Wash replied with a wave of his hand. “Seriously, though, what’s going on?”

“It’s…” Simmons trailed off before pinching the bridge of his nose and letting out a long, heralding sigh. “Okay, you know how most of what we do doesn’t make any sense on Red Team but holds us to some loose interpretation of logic because of dumb conversations we’ve had?”

“Sure,” Washington said, apparently wanting to move past that point more than anything else.

“It’s one of those,” Simmons tried for subtly.

“Confetti has to do with some conversation you had ages ago that Red Team now wants to uphold,” Washington clarified.

“Not all of Red Team,” Simmons answered, feeling his face heat up for reasons utterly beyond him.

Washington kept staring at him for a good few minutes before he leaned back and began to reach for the gearshift. “So this is for Grif?”

“Ha! Grif Me doing favors for Grif. I mean. Why would you even make that assumption? That’s so weird! And not necessary! I mean, think of all the times I do really weird things for Donut! Or for Sarge! I can’t even make a proper list of all the weird things I’ve done for Sarge!” Simmons then added a rather awkward laugh. “Ah, Agent Washington. You… kidder.”

For a moment, Washington looked like he was just going to let the details pass by, but he shook his head and asked, “Does the confetti have glitter in it?”

“What? No,” Simmons answered.

“Does it explode on impact with something very specific and unhelpful, like banana peels?” Washington continued.

“What’re you talking about, of course it doesn’t!” Simmons scoffed.

“Hm, sure doesn’t sound like it’s for Donut or Sarge,” Washington answered easily.

Realizing his own folly, Simmons felt his face heat up even more. “I… Well. Don’t think that that makes you some kind of expert about Red Team! You.. you dirty Blue!”

The words were so flustered, even Simmons had a hard time listening to them.

Washington didn’t seem overly offended, however. “You good? That out of your system?” Wash pressed.

With a long and frankly disappointed sigh, Simmons eased back into his seat again. “Yeah. I guess.”

“Great, why does Grif want confetti?” Wash continued.

“It’s not that he wants it,” Simmons responded with a shrug of his shoulders. “It’s that it’s… well it’s something we talked about forever ago, and not getting it would basically be, like, admitting that I don’t expect us to be the same people we were all those ages ago back in Blood Gulch when we talked about nonsense and had all these… I don’t know, expectations for what the future was going to be. You know. Before everything was bad.”

Washington showed a bit of concern. “Are things bad now?” he asked.

“No, I don’t think so,” Simmons answered, glancing away from the intensity of Washington’s need for answers. “No? Yes? I don’t know. It’s just… Things are never the way we expected them to be.”

“What’d you and Grif expect them to be?” Washington asked. “And is confetti really going to make the difference on whether or not you’ll ever achieve it?”

“Maybe?” Simmons responded, worrying his lip. “I mean. It’s so hard to read Grif sometimes… It’s like he expects me to be some kind of mindreader and just… know him? Like, how am I supposed to live up to those kinds of expectations? Why can’t he ever just say what he actually means instead of asking for me to get confetti and then getting annoyed when I give him exactly what he said instead of exactly what he wanted?”

The silence that filled the minivan after the outburst was stifling and Simmons took it as an opportunity to sink so low that his shoulder blades were almost resting in the seat. He was certain that his uniform was misshapen and creased in ways that were totally unbecoming of an award ceremony, but the sudden rush of existential panic took over for the generalized anxiety in his bones.

Whether or not it was a worthwhile tradeoff had still not been determined by the time that Washington was pulling them back onto the road.

“We only have forty-five minutes to get confetti,” Simmons informed him before he looked up enough over the dashboard to see that Washington wasn’t merely pulling them back onto the road toward the supermarket but was crossing lanes to get them turned around completely. “Agent Washington!? What are you doing? We haven’t gotten the confetti!”

“Of course we’re not. You just said it yourself, it’s not about the confetti.” Washington answered. “So we’re heading back.”

“Why?” Simmons demanded.

“Because you need to get Grif exactly what he wants and not the thing he says he wants.” Washington said flatly. “Also so we’re not wasting either of our time or my money.”

Simmons scowled in return. “I would have paid for it!”

“You didn’t bring a wallet,” Washington answered. “There’s nothing in your back pockets.”

“I don’t like the way fabric feels against my ass when it’s being pulled taut!” Simmons cried out in defense.

“The rest of the world usually uses that as evidence that someone doesn’t have an ass,” Wash replied with a shrug.

“Hey!” Simmons protested, though he wasn’t entirely sure how else to counter the accusation. Instead he crossed his arms and glared at his driver. “Besides! Didn’t you hear me? The problem is I don’t know what Grif wants! That’s why he drives me crazy!”

“You know he doesn’t want the confetti,” Washington reminded him. “So I’d say the real problem here isn’t that you don’t know what Grif wants, but that you definitely know what you want. And you’re frustrated with Grif and yourself for not doing anything about it.”

Simmons stared at him, somewhat aghast. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying you guys need to talk or something. Preferably after not making asses of all of us at the award ceremony or making it so that our honorable discharges are brought into question by… Basically all of humanity. It’d be stellar if we didn’t have either of those to contend with, honestly,” Washington replied.

At first, Simmons couldn’t even believe what he was hearing, he scoffed at the notion, turning in his seat to swivel away from Washington and his utterly ridiculous charges.

Obviously, the Freelancer had no idea what he was talking about. He and Grif were just fine. And no one was bringing unreasonable expectations to their situation. Definitely not Simmons himself.

It was so ridiculous that it was making Simmons’ entire face heat up once more, like a schoolyard misunderstanding between two kids who hadn’t learned how to talk to one another yet.

And then Simmons almost felt his heart stop.

Fortunately being partially cybernetic made that a relative impossibility even for his organic body parts so his heart kept chugging along even as Simmons’ voice got trapped in his throat in an excruciating manner.

Washington glanced over, seemingly concerned at the noises being made. “Simmons?”

“Oh my god,” Simmons gasped at last.

“See,” Washington said a bit eagerly. “Told you. I’m an expert at Reds and Blues now! I know exactly how you all think. And… Well, honestly, when I say it out loud like that it makes me think I’ve had some pretty regrettable choices in my life to get us here, actually.”

Simmons couldn’t even hear Washington as he continued to slowly sink into his seat much like his stomach was sinking through his person.

His carefully curated expectations for the evening suddenly and dramatically changed in a moment.

Grif might have, over the years, for reasons beyond him and definitely not within his control, allowed himself to have a single expectation. The kind of trapping that would ruin a man of lesser caliber.

Of course, Grif wasn’t really of any caliber, so the situation was just annoying the hell out of him more than it was trapping him in anything.

“Sarge!” he shouted over the stage despite the already mostly gathered audience surrounding their stage.

For maybe the first time since Grif had met the man, Sarge was dressed in completely proper order with the sort of rigid lines to his uniform that would have made every single one of Simmons’ ninety-nine problems absolutely jealous. He was also holding a rather dramatic pose with his cap under his stiffly held right arm and his forceful, toothy smile drawn back so tight his eyes were lost behind wrinkles. Even when he turned himself — as in his entire body so as to not take himself out of his stiff posture — he did not lose a bit of his smile, if anything it grew and his eyes were further lost in the clench. “Private Grif!” he shouted between clenched teeth in what was, ultimately, a rather impressive maneuver. “We are preparing for an award ceremony that you most certainly don’t deserve! All I ask is that you don’t ruin the most important part — the part that’s for me! Your esteemed leader!”

There were many, many opportunities to lampoon his commanding officer that Grif was passing up in the heat of the moment. “Yeah, honestly, don’t care, this is important.” But he then paused and allowed himself at least one response to Sarge’s mania. “Also? Totally a captain now. And it’s in the earned way, not in that whole stupid fake way you became a colonel. But that’s not important right now—“

Sarge’s smile dropped just enough to allow his right eyebrow to shoot up, exposing a bloodshot, unblinking eye at Grif. “The hell it’s not!!!” he shouted before coughing and immediately reestablishing his previous expression, if not scarier. “Goddammit, Grif! See what you’re doing? Making me lose my composure is what you’re doing!”

“Fuck composure!” Grif shouted. “Where the hell’s Simmons? It’s almost fifteen minutes ’til! And Simmons has never been less than forty-five minutes early for something in his entire life!”

“Aw,” Caboose cooed from behind Grif, making the Red jump in place before whirling around to face him. How someone so huge and so dumb could manage to constantly sneak up on other people was completely beyond Grif. “You’re worried about Simmons!”

“Ew, no,” Grif scoffed. “Worried about Simmons? Don’t be ridiculous, Caboose! I’m not worried about Simmons! Who would be worried about Simmons? Definitely not someone like me who was ready to attack Locus if he touched Simmons. That’s fucking ridiculous, Caboose! How could you even ask me something like that?”

Caboose blinked at him and shrugged. “Oh, my bad. Sorry. I thought that was why you were talking about Simmons. And why you always talk about Simmons. And why you always talk to Simmons. Usually about Simmons. Yeah. You’re very close.”

“No, not close!” Grif countered heatedly. “I’m asking about Simmons because I’m worried if he’s not here then we’ll never be discharged from the fucking military and I’ll be stuck doing this stuff with you idiots for the rest of my life!”

Sarge once again dropped his composure and whirled around to face Grif, a serious look on his face. “You mean if one of us accidentally screws the pooch today, that’s an option? Indefinite military solitude!? Well Laaahhhhhrrrrdddeeeee! Why didn’t someone say so!?”

“No! I’m not saying that! No one was saying that and no one would ever say that, except you,” Grif snapped. “I just don’t want this ceremony to be postponed for any reason!”

“But it can’t start before Simmons and Agent Washington come back!” Caboose cried out in concern. “They promised it would not take long! They said they’d come back and it would be because they had to be here for the thingie with the things and the scary people with frowns!”

Grif turned to Caboose with a bit of wonder. “Wait, Agent Washington is with Simmons? What the fuck is he thinking? Doesn’t he know the first rule of Reds and Blues? Going with a Freelancer always leads to problems! That’s why we always kick them over to Blue Team and make you all deal with them and your stupid team kills and backstabs and generally idiotic stuff. Like alien fucking.”

Caboose put a hand over his chest and grew a big, watery grin. “Grif! You are the reason for Blue Team always having new teammates!? I always get new friends because of you! Thank you, Grif! Oh, thank you!”

“I’m not responsible. If anyone’s responsible, it’s you and your constant team kills,” Grif snapped back.

A bit put off — more by Grif’s tone than anything else, most likely — Caboose tilted his head back and sniffed. “Well then! I will just be thanking myself for all my bestest friends! And you can stay with only having Simmons!”

“Good! All I need is Simmons anyway!” Grif snapped back, turning to march off and get to the bottom of the missing Simmons issue, but much to his aggravation, the moment he did so he ran face first into a uniformed chest. It was with enough force to nearly knock them both over, but they managed to save it.

“Hey! Watch it!” Simmons groaned. “Grif, can’t you at least bother to see where you’re going!”

“No, fuck you!” Grif retorted automatically before shaking his head profusely and really accepting the revelation. “Simmons! There you fucking are! What the hell were you doing, taking off right before this whole shindig? I was going to fucking haul you back! And disappearing with a Freelancer of all people! You’re lucky you weren’t killed and then had your body bombed by Mister Destructo himself!”

There was an uncomfortable cough that drew Grif’s attention to Simmons’ side where Agent Washington was standing.

“I’m right here,” Washington pointed out plainly.

“What do you want, a cookie?” Grif demanded in annoyance.

“Grif, I’m here,” Simmons answered, looking at Grif like he was imparting some kind of deeper meaning.

One that was far too deep for Grif to comprehend so he just looked at Simmons in annoyance. “Of course you are! The problem is you almost weren’t! Like what the fuck Simmons?”

“No, Grif! I mean… I’m here!” Simmons restated. “I’m… I’m trying to say… What I mean is…”

Grif squinted at Simmons, uncomprehending. Unsure what Simmons could ever mean by any of it. Which was super annoying since, well, for a man who had lived his life to that point priding himself on living without the burden of expectations, he had — for better or worse — allowed himself to experience one expectation above all of his stoicism and near nihilism.

And that single expectation, his road to certain ruin, was that no matter what happened going forward, he had Captain Dick Simmons there by his side.

“You finally decided to show up to the award ceremony that’s for everyone? Congratulations,” Grif responded thickly, scratching at his chin as he only then realized that he had not shaved despite all that wasted time in the bathroom. “Son of a…”

“No, you big idiot,” Simmons half laughed, a breathy, nasally noise that — no matter how many times he heard it — Grif never felt like he had heard enough. “I’m trying to say I’m here for you. Awards and stuff, sure, but I mean more generally… more… bigger… I’m always gonna be with you. On your side. All that stuff.”

Grif looked at Simmons, brows raising high toward his hairline.

“What? Like… metaphorically? You’re metaphorically showing up to the award ceremony from A New Hope which totally isn’t lame at all and now that we’re pretty close to it, being knighted as a space knight hero is pretty fucking rad?” Grif tried to clarify. “Because if that’s our takeaway I have to say — no fucking duh, and welcome to the right side of the Force. Which, we all agree, is the Gray Jedi.”

Simmons gave what had to be at least in the top ten of the universe’s largest eye rolls before coming forward. “Shut up, Grif.”

“You’re metaphorically here to tell me to shut up?” Grif continued only to be taken by complete surprise when Simmons surged forward and landed a kiss on his lips.

Blinking a few times, Grif wasn’t sure what to do, even as Simmons began to nervously back away. But before he was going to allow any of that, Grif reached forward, grabbing Simmons by the shoulders and bringing him into a deeper kiss, one that was beyond any sort of expectations.

The kind of thing that caused a dozen camera flashes all at once and earned some cheers and jeers from the other gathered award recipients.

“HA!” Sarge howled. “Kept the smile for the pictures! Hot dog!”

[bileomeogeul-ttalgiuyu]

Losing Bet: Part 2

Pairing: BamBam x Reader

Summary: Something like love should never be bet on, but many people do because they believe they can beat it. Love is one of the forces that are greater than anything humans can do. What are the consequences of making a bet you weren’t prepared for or never wanted to take part of?

B/F/N: Best Friend’s Name

*Y/N: Your Name

Your ex-boyfriend, BamBam, appeared before you in a manner of disheveled clothing with his hair looked awful and his face was overly puffy from crying, no longer had the shine he used to have. He shrank away from your gaze and looked at the ground, “I wanted to apologize…I wanted to say I’m sorry…I want to explain myself.” It upset you that the man, after all, he had done had the audacity to ask you for a chance to explain himself.  “Bam…I don’t care anymore…It’s partially my fault thinking someone like you who has the chance to go out with models and other idols would ever fall for someone who is just a fan.” You were about to close the door, but he swung the door open and shook his head. “NO! That is not true! You aren’t just some fan to me! Please, I need to tell you everything from the very beginning…please just give me the chance to tell you how I truly feel…”

You wondered if it was a good idea to let the man who broke your trust and probably made you unable to trust any future partners, although it was a good idea in your mind to just make him leave you to let him in any way.  Something in your gut says you should give him the benefit of the doubt since this would probably be the last time he ever talked to you, “Fine…You have 30 minutes to explain. And if I don’t like your answer, you leave here quietly.”  Bam was reluctant but nodded his head, “Okay.” With that, you stepped aside to let him into your apartment, in your mind, you were thanking the fact that  B/F/N helped you clean up earlier or else Bam might take advantage of the mess saying you seem to be in just as bad of a shape as he was.

Bam felt terrible for what he did and the way you were silent with tears streaming down your cheeks refusing to meet his gaze, the sight of you crying always managed to make his heartbreak. However, because he was the cause of those tears, the reason of you refusing to meet his gaze with those beautiful eyes, and you no longer want to see him; all that made him hit rock bottom. He was mad at the guys for pressuring him into such a bet, but he couldn’t put the blame on them. Bam was ignorant to accept the terms of the play and for not telling you the truth sooner about his affections and the bet.

He already received a text from  B/F/N saying she was disappointed and lost her trust & respect for him. B/F/N stated she would not cut ties with Bam because he remained her friend for so long but he would need to regain her trust. His friend also declared that she will be rubbing salt on the wound due to the jackass move he pulled and that he should apologize to you about the whole thing once everything has calmed down. He had received that text  30 minutes ago, it was what gave him the courage to run over to talk to you. He knew you didn’t deserve to feel like you weren’t good enough, you were the best thing that has ever happened to him for crying out loud. He knew that it was a stupid thing to say, but the bet is what gave him the courage to cross the line of dating another friend’s friend.

He thought about your first date and how it was so simple but so perfect. You didn’t need all that fancy displays of affection, it was a different pace for Bam who usually had flings with girls who wanted nothing but his fame and money. The both of you sat there enjoying the movie and awkwardly holding hands, he couldn’t help but find himself smiling as tears were brimming his eyes at the memories. God would be the only one able to perceive the foolishness the boy had to be able to agree on a wager involving emotions such as love. If only he believed in his judgments and did not fall into peer pressure.

His attention returned to reality once he heard your voice in a cold tone asking him, “What do you want to explain, not that it’ll help your case anyway.” It made his heart ache at how cold you were being and how far you were sitting from him, he wanted nothing more than to pull you close. He frowned slightly at how cold, distant, and a slightly rude you were towards him; but he knew he deserved it. “I…Sigh…I wanted to talk about it from the beginning…” You nodded your head stiffly, “….Alright. Fine…talk then.

*Credit to the gif owner~

A/N: I changed the whole one-shot into parts because it was really long and hard for some people to read. I am also like that, I do not like reading a really long story sometimes. So here I am shortening for you, lmao X’ D Enjoy!

[spockandawe]

So… things sure do keep happening in LL, don’t they.

I mean, on the one hand, I’m distraught, because everything is a disaster. But I am also super stoked, because everything is a disaster.

Going back to the older seasons, I mean, season one started with the ship engines exploding, them losing contact with Cybertron, miscellaneous crewmembers dying, and a sparkeater getting loose. Season two started with Optimus wedging Megatron onto the crew, they find Rodimus’s quantum duplicate corpse, the ship and crew start evaporating, and the remaining crewmembers wind up on a ship full of their friends’ corpses.

It makes good sense to start things off with a shitshow, that’s how you lay the groundwork for exciting future developments, and pack as much as you can into a script. And given that, so… for the run of MTMTE, despite all the disasters they were dealing with, there was a lot of positive character growth happening, and a lot of developing bonds between characters. That is good! But not a good dynamic for the shape of this story, in the direction the plot has gone. If the Dying of the Light crew was all together, all getting on well, then all the tension comes from the outside. It’s… a balance that can work, but it would be really unbalanced in comparison to the previous arcs in this series.

One of the things I’ve tried to do and stalled out on is circular plotting (usually just almost circular, with a twist to make it deliberately distinct). Like, Tailgate being trapped underground, but being trapped awake and with full knowledge of what’s happening to him. Cyclonus is free-floating and dangerously unattached and mourning a massive loss, but this time it’s all about personal connections, and Whirl has flipped from being a casually homicidal enemy into a supportive friend. But with a possible extra angle on the parallel of feeling betrayed and angry over how Galvatron used him, and how he’ll feel when he finds out Whirl was the one initiated Tailgate’s breakup. There are… haha, wow, so many characters and so many angles that I think I stall out from just the sheer scale of it all.

Anyways, maybe if I just write about deteriorating bonds, that’s manageable in terms of parameters. Most of the series was about building bonds, and messing with those is that almost-circular plotting thing that steals their progress away and hurts the characters and makes me upset because I’m emotionally invested and want everyone to be happy. And I can write it as a list. I sure like lists.

This isn’t meant to be making a grand point or anything. Sorting information just brings me great pleasure, and sorting comic analysis data points means I have to hunt my information prey down in the wild before I can pin it to a board.

(behind a cut)

General

Everybody from the marooned crew and everybody on the Lost Light. Plus presumably the mutineers and the group arriving with First Aid. That’s going to be… interesting :P

Special shout out to Thunderclash. I have Thoughts about the image of perfection and being cornered into maintaining that image at all costs, and further thoughts about the strain of maintaining that kind of performance for so long. Even if many/most of the aspects of it come naturally, that’s a hard standard to live up to. But he was THE model autobot, he made friendly noises at Ratchet, Drift, and Ultra Magnus… and he was a prominent member of the mutineers. I’m curious as to how this affects people’s image of him.

Tailgate

Well, the breakup is the biggest, most obvious thing, both in terms of the character, and in terms of overall broken bonds. The development of the relationship between him and Cyclonus has been building for so long, and now… this.

Cyclonus

Same thing, but with more!

Cyclonus and Whirl started from attempted murder, wandered over to the land of ‘I trust you to be brutally honest with me’, and accidentally drifted into bff waters, which was amazing and I loved it. And right now, Whirl is Cyclonus’s main support structure and oh wow that is an amazing sentence that I never properly thought through before. I am SO EXCITED for the cyclonus and whirl show. But… Whirl told Tailgate some information Cyclonus especially, especially told him not to, and it initiated Tailgate dumping him hard. I believe 0% that this information is going to stay secret forever, and it’s going to be rough.

Additionally, while the actual commanders were on their alternate universe teleportation field trip, Cyclonus was in charge on Necroworld. And he did SO GOOD with people! He was good with Brainstorm, with Ten, with Swerve, all while juggling more overt friendship things with Whirl and while being sweet with Tailgate. He shuts down when he’s struggling. And he sure has started struggling. Those were more casual connections, but I’m feeling like he’s lost his ability to feed them, and I don’t know how many will stand on their own. Whirl, yes, but everyone else is in question.

Whirl

Mostly the cyclonus thing

Swerve

Is struggling. Swerve is really struggling. Skids noticed before, when he almost died… and Skids is dead.

Cyclonus has tried to help out here and there, including after the Killmaster incident… And Cyclonus is having a rough, rough time and is probably not in any position to help anyone.

Tailgate was one of his closer friends. Tailgate is gone.

That’s three of his biggest support structures gone in a very, very short time span. How much does he even have left? He’s not in a great place, and almost everyone around him is preoccupied with their own problems. I am worried.

Nautica

Aww, honey :( This one hurts me extra, because she spent her time on the Lost Light building bonds to the extent that she amica-married five people at once, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised she’s having an extra rough time.

The Skids thing, that’s the biggest one. And especially with the way she fought to find a miracle solution, and the way that worked out… yeah, that’s rough.

But then the Velocity business, with blaming her over Skids, and being willing to sacrifice her friendship over it. Even if she didn’t follow through, she agreed to it in the first place. Even with Velocity saying she didn’t want to become friends again with someone who would do that to their relationship. And she took a cheap shot at how hard Velocity had to work to pass the medical exam. Yeah, the issue “worked out”, but even if it got resolved in the moment, that is some heavy stuff to lay on what had been an incredibly sweet, supportive relationship.

Now, Rung is also struggling bad over the Skids thing. He’s grieving pretty hard, and was doing it all alone, until Nightbeat came swooping in. And he’s also aware that he wanted to fight on Necroworld, and it was being Nightbeat who wound up preventing him from doing that, so he wasn’t even around or helping when Skids died. Now… how is he going to feel about Nautica selling off her grief like that? From a professional or personal perspective?

Velocity

Mostly just the Nautica business

Rung

There’s Skids, for one, and the way Nautica plays into that.

But also recall MTMTE 40, where Ratchet sent Skids to go make conversation with Rung, because Ratchet didn’t think Rung was really getting to talk to anyone outside of his work. And then the Froid mess happened, and Rung stepped down from his position. So he’s not getting to talk to Skids anymore. He’s not even getting to talk to people for work anymore. Nightbeat has stepped up to the plate, but if he gets pulled away, Rung is very alone, and not doing that great.

Megatron

Oh boy, this gets messy and complicated. For a start, Megatron, and… everyone. Not intentionally. But nobody from the original crew knows about Terminus being a lying, manipulative jackass. As far as everyone else knows, he bailed. To a whoooole new wide world for him to do his Megatron thing. And a group of mainly autobots who lived through the war, that probably isn’t going to set people at ease. And in Megatron’s words, he thinks the others abandoned him.

There’s also something to be said about him wanting to start over with Optimus, and ignoring all the disparities in experience and history that mean that if he wants the fairytale bff relationship to happen, he’s going to have to be hella dishonest or hella manipulative.

But a special mention to Ultra Magnus and Rodimus, who will get more detail in their respective sections

And a special shout-out to reviving an old bond……… just an incredibly toxic, unhealthy one. Terminus spends virtually all his screen time trying to steer Megatron, and oh my god, I am Upset that Terminus has gotten him alone like this when he was already in a bad spot.

Ultra Magnus

The conversation with Rodimus about how Megatron read all of his reports and thanked him for writing them, it breaks my heart. Because when Ultra Magnus disappeared in season one, Rodimus’s inbox was full of unread messages from him, including one just titled ‘struggling’. Rodimus tries, but he’s not naturally suited to the same kind of meticulous minutia as Ultra Magnus is, and Ultra Magnus has already struggled hard with feeling isolated and lost. Megatron openly appreciated and respected him. I’m worried.

But the bond between Rodimus and Ultra Magnus was strengthened, you say? When they had that conversation about Megatron? Oh, the conversation where Rodimus said things he didn’t believe so he could manipulate Ultra Magnus into finding his motivation again. Yeahhhh… That was a good idea from Rodimus, and probably a good thing to do in the short term, but I don’t think it adds up to a healthy direction for them to go.

Rodimus

Rodimus has Issue with regards to being a leader, some  relating back to spotlight: hot rod, some relating back to Optimus (in general). The Magnificence just came back into play, and as recently as season two, Optimus was not only failing to give Rodimus positive attention, but he was running roughshod over his autonomy. So…. This Megatron thing.

Megatron started out very antagonistic with Rodimus, but their command styles are very complementary when they work as a team, and he came to openly respect Rodimus, and defer to his judgment when he thought it appropriate. Good! All good, especially in contrast to neglectful dad Optimus Prime! And then… Rodimus was suspicious Megatron was going to bail on them. Megatron gave Rodimus his word. And as far as Rodimus knows, Megatron turned right around and broke that promise.

And Drift. Complicated, because most of that happened pre-LL, and they’ve been pretty chill in LL. But Rodimus let Drift take the fall when Overlord happened… and didn’t come to get him even after Drift didn’t have to stay away any longer. Rodimus already apologized, but kind of like the business with Nautica and Velocity, that’s one hell of a strain to have weighing on a relationship.

Drift

Is mostly that Rodimus thing

But it’s also interesting that he’s got one of the few clearly shown BUILT relationships that doesn’t fall the heck apart. He and Ratchet started off very ill at ease, where sometimes they were in tune, but sometimes they clashed in ugly ways. But they’re very much trusting each other right now, and there have been zero (0) fresh wedges driven between them since the new series started. Them and chromedome and rewind, those are the only people allowed to have positive relationships in peace :P

Ratchet

But, go back to that Drift thing. Ratchet already said some harsh things over Rodimus’s treatment of Drift, back in MTMTE 40. And he was also the person who went out and found Drift later, and saw the state he was in with refusing to maintain himself and all. I’m not surprised Drift forgave Rodimus, because he is a total sweetheart. But I’m very curious to see how Ratchet feels about the situation

And this isn’t anything definite, but… it’s really weird how there were like many big medical Things going on before people left Necroworld, and nobody went to Ratchet. What does that mean?? I’ve got no idea. None. But there were three doctors. The ex-LL crew mostly knew Ratchet personally, and mostly knew Velocity personally. And… Everyone went to Kaput. The best doctor, the best best doctor was right there, and they all took their issues to the new stranger. Why? I have no idea what it could even mean, but… WHY?

Anode (and Lug)

Yeah, that lying to your wife for a very long time about why you quit your old job, and her thinking that it’s her fault you gave up on this illustrious career, that’s…… uncomfortable. Cool, but uncomfortable. And then your wife is actually a ghost, but you revived her, but she doesn’t have all her post-death memories, which I think was implied to cover a good amount of history. They might have made up, and I’m positive they still adore each other, but that is some heavy shit, and I don’t have any confidence that everything is all worked out.

Ten

Starting from a nearly nonverbal position, has been treated as an unperson before, got the shaft three times in a row when it came to DOTL, and now one of the only people who was treating him as a PERSON is in a post-being-dumped shutdown.

Tailgate got left behind.

And Ultra Magnus is not doing so hot either.

I think Swerve might be the next closest friend he’s got, and Swerve kind of led the charge on the whole unperson thing. Swerve might be sorry, but the fact that each of them is may be the best emotionally available friend the other one has left, that is CONCERNING

Chromedome (and Rewind)

You guys are good. Much love. Maybe some conversation about the Dominus Ambus thing would be good, but you’re adorable and treating each other well. (edit: ooh, but I have been reminded about prowl's blackmail attempt that provoked chromedome to mneme on him. and prowl is inching closer back to the plot. popcorn dot gif, oh my goodness)

Brainstorm and Nightbeat

????? There’s the grief suppressants for Skids, which raise some Nautica-esque questions about coping with the grief and sacrificing the bond in favor of a release from grief (also very chromedome of them), but it’s not clear how permanent this is or how much they’re taking.

Is that everyone? I don’t even know anymore. I was wrong. All the scope is too much scope. I cut this short and my brain is still fizzing with trying to juggle all the pieces. The tl;dr version of this is that the majority of characters have been reduced to a state of alone (or nearly-alone) that’s pretty severe and pretty worrying. I mean, everybody is fucked in the head in some way in this series, whether it’s from the war or from other things. But it seemed like there had consistently been positive growth, especially in an interpersonal direction, until DOTL ended, and the stress and changes came crashing down on everyone.